This is a question that came in several months ago, and it seemed like it needed an immediate answer, so I answered at the time. I thought it was worth talking about again, though.
The question addresses a very specific and personal situation, but I think the answers can apply to many more general circumstances, where we realize that supporting someone else—as important as that is, and as much as we are willing to do so–is taking a toll on us.
Kay, I know that there was a lot of stress on me during my husband’s depression because he was unable to do the things he normally did. It really began to take a toll on me. What is your advice to the spouse, or close friend, who is walking through this valley with their loved one?
Let me preface my answer by telling you that this year has been really tough for me, supporting people I love through hard times. Things are stable now, but just this weekend one of my besties asked how my week had been and I said, “The week was okay, but it’s been such a hard year.” (Which is not news to her!)
I’m just realizing again that, for me, it takes a long time to recover after big events. In the moment, the adrenaline is flowing and I’m finding resources and being engaged and supportive and all in for the ones I love. I often don’t feel my own emotions as much during the event. Afterward, however, I tend to experience a pretty big emotional “thud” that requires attention.
My husband, Andy, experiences things quite differently from me. For him, when it’s over, it’s over and he’s good to go. That’s a really good thing because when it’s over, I crash and he is good at picking up my pieces!
So I think part of walking through something like this with a loved one is this: know yourself.
- Who are you in that situation, and what do you need?
- Then allow yourself to receive the gift of recovery, however that might look for you.
- Accept that you are God’s precious child, and he wants to heal and restore you as well. He’s YOUR Good Shepherd, not just everybody else’s.
Here’s how that looks for me right now:
- I went to therapy myself in the middle of the mess.
- I’ve allowed myself to work less than people might expect, for a long time now. And I’m still tired. So I’m still not working a lot.
- I have removed myself from demanding situations where I could get involved and help if I had the energy, but I just don’t, so I’m out.
- I hang with the people who know me and love me and don’t have big expectations of me. In fact, they are the ones who will tell me to go to therapy if I can’t figure it out for myself.
It comes down to this, I think: you need to heal, too.
I love what Anne Lamott says in Traveling Mercies:
On the first Sunday of Advent our preacher, Veronica, said that this is life’s nature, that lives and hearts get broken, those of people we love, those of people we’ll never meet. She said the world sometimes feels like the waiting room of the emergency ward, and that we, who are more or less OK for now, need to take the tenderest possible care of the more wounded people in the waiting room, until the healer comes. You sit with people, she said, you bring them juice and graham crackers. And then she went on vacation.
“Traveling mercies,” the old black people at our church said to her when she left. This is what they say when one of us goes off for a while. Traveling mercies: Be safe, notice beauty, enjoy the journey, God is with you.
We have to learn to accept traveling mercies for ourselves, and for some of us, that is so very difficult!
But the truth is this. Sometimes I’m more or less okay, and I’m able to help others. Sometimes I’m one of the more wounded ones, and I have to let people help me.
Here’s how to tell if you’re one of the wounded ones right now:
- Crying a lot
- Angry, frustrated with self and others
- Numb, unable to feel
- Restlessness, inability to concentrate or feel at ease
- Sleep problems (too much, too little)
- Eating/appetite changes
- Anxiety attacks
- Social isolation
- Self-medication: porn, alcohol, surfing the internet, gaming
- Conflict with family, friends, colleagues
- Inability to function normally
- Risky behaviors
If you’re experiencing symptoms like this and would like help, please check our resource tab for counseling and retreat resources that cater to overseas workers. Some are free. Others are paid, but may offer scholarships if you inquire.
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- Ask A Counselor: How can I recover from stress, now that I’m safe? - September 6, 2016
- Ask a Counselor for a book recommendation: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - August 5, 2016