When You Are Getting Married . . . and your teammate isn’t (Part 2)

by Amy Young on March 17, 2017

Normally a Part 2 comes just a few days after a Part 1. So, if you have forgotten about Part 1, no problem. In brief, last month I shared a letter Janice wrote to me in which she is getting married and her roommate isn’t.

  • “My roommate really desires to be married. She is mid-30s, and has been in Laos for over seven years. So she is older than me, she’s been overseas longer than me, and she has probably been praying for a husband longer than me.”
  • “I know that God does not always do things in ways that seem obviously fair to us, but in this situation I feel the unfairness very deeply myself, and I can only imagine how it might feel from her perspective.”
  • How are you supposed to feel, when you know that what is a blessing in your life is the subject of such deep pain and disappointment to someone you love?”
  • “It is painful for me to leave her. I know that our friendship can’t be exactly the same after I leave Laos, but I don’t want to lose it entirely.”

I wanted the posts spaced out for two reasons:

  1. We live in a click-bait, hurry up world. Let’s go deep and then move on. The internet is wonderful—just consider how many different places this very post is being read right now while YOU are reading it?! Kind of mind-boggling, isn’t it? But in general it is geared towards noise and new information. This forms us unconsciously to have a false sense of urgency and move on to the next topic, post, crisis. It confuses our soul as to what is a urgent and what is important.

I believe this is an important conversation to have.

  1. I did not want to jump in too quickly with my thoughts, instead I wanted to create space for God to speak. I did not even look at the comments until prior to starting this post.

(Normally I read and respond to comments; so if you wondered where I was, the spiritual discipline of listening to God instead of checking comments was not easy. And then I read the comments and felt a bit guilty myself that I had “left people hanging.” I share this to say that this speaking and having opinions and thoughts and stories is easier for me than listening.)

~~~

If you haven’t had a chance to read through the comments, please do. They are rich and offer additional perspectives.

In this month of listening, here is a bit of what I’ve have been thinking and praying over:

1.  We need to have these conversations. The very enemy of our souls wants to isolate and through isolation whisper lies mixed with half-truths. In the whispering, we can become disoriented as to what is truth, what is half-truth, and what is lie.

In community—and let me stress safe, healthy, trustworthy community—we do not have to bear burdens alone and we can sort out what is true in our situation and what is not.

2.  Notice how the language of “fair” and “guilt” are both a part of the swirl of emotions, thoughts, and reactions. I find this fascinating how almost universal both concepts are, whether married, getting married, or desiring to be married. Both can be very strong which can be confusing because they seem to run counter to what “good Christians should” believe or experience. Because we do not talk about “fairness” or “guilt:

  • people often don’t know what to do with these feelings
  • how to start conversations about them or
  • how to process them

Allowing them to grow which can lead to greater isolation (see #1 above).

  1. Too often we believe that we must pick between one emotion or the other.

Guilt is often a by-product of one emotion saying “If you feel me, obviously you don’t REALLY care [about either the joy or the sorrow].”

So, for the person getting married, if she expresses happiness in getting married, she may hear in her head, “If you are happy, then you don’t really understand how it feels to live with disappointment.” Or If a someone is not getting married and feels angry, disappointed, and sad, she may believe, “You are an ungrateful, selfish, bitter spinster.”

You don’t have to choose between joy and sorrow. You can have both. Guilt tries to manipulate you into one or the other, so that you don’t live an integrated life.

We need to grow in our capacity to experience (and give permission to experience) more than one emotion at a time.

4. I am more and more convinced we need to lead the charge in a “culture of grief.” We, as Christians, should be the best darn grievers on the planet, and yet, too often we stink at it. I dedicated an entire chapter in Looming Transitions to grief. I now see that the need to weave grief into our lives runs deeper than I ever thought.

Feelings of “fairness” and “guilt” can also be warnings for “an area to grieve.” Look for the loss. Are you loosing a friend? A location? Control? Someone who gets your jokes? The list could go on.

5. God is mysterious. I had a professor in seminary who cautioned us, as Christians, not to be too quick to cry “Mystery!” in the Christian faith. He instructed us to do the hard work of studying scripture, of asking theologians, of knowing history. But he also said, we needed to also remember that at the end of the day, studying, questioning, and knowing may not provide an answer and we will be left with mystery.

Why do some get married and some don’t? Why do some spouses die and others don’t? Why do some struggle with this addiction but not that? Why do some children have problems that other children do not have?

It may seem cheap to say it, but only God knows. And we have to live with that tension of the mysteriousness of God.

~~~

Above all, God can be trusted with all of our emotions. If you are angry, you don’t need to hide it. If you are sad, you don’t need to “put on a happy face.” If you are excited, you don’t have to pretend you are not. If you are not at the same place emotionally as someone else you don’t have to fake that you are.

But you do have to own it. You do have to offer it to God. You do need to find community to bear and process it with you.

Trusting that in the offering, God is good, sovereign, mysterious and . . . at work. 

This is what I’ve been pondering this month. I’d love to hear from you. What have heard? What conversations with God and others have you had? What would you add to the discussion? We need your input.

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About Amy Young

Free resource to help you add tools to your tool box. When Amy Young first moved to China she knew three Chinese words: hello, thank you and watermelon. She is known to jump in without all the facts and blogs regularly at The Messy Middle. She also works extensively with Velvet Ashes as content creator and curator, book club host, and connection group coordinator. She writes books to help you. Amy is the author of Love, Amy: An Accidental Memoir Told in Newsletters from China and Looming Transitions: Starting and Finishing Well in Cross-Cultural Service. Looming Transitions also has two companion resources: 22 Activities for Families in Transitions and Looming Transitions Workbook. You can listen to it too.
  • Michelle S

    I’ve been in a version of these shoes, on the side of the one not getting married. A dear friend and I were preparing to move overseas together…dreaming and planning and preparing. And then, six weeks before we left, she entered a serious relationship with a man. Her focus totally changed. She still came over with me, to fill a shorter-term need, but we weren’t working together the way we thought we would be. And after a few short months, she returned to America to get married.
    I learned a lot through that experience. I know she struggled some with “deserting” me, and with being the one who got married. And of course I struggled with my side of things. But as we released each other to walk the path that God was leading us on, and tried to support each other in that path, God worked and brought peace and assurance of His will being fulfilled. Through those months together, even though we were walking very different paths, there was a special bond forged between us, and she continues to be one whom I can look to for real understanding when I’m facing issues. And I love hearing about her adventures and delights as she enjoys married life.
    I think one of the biggest things is recognizing God’s hand in it, instead of looking at the “unfairness” etc. of second causes. Realizing that God is leading and that He is giving to each of us the very best gift puts the whole thing in a different perspective.

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