You Owe Me Grace

by Lisa McKay on June 5, 2013

Friends,

I am 30 weeks and a gazillion eons pregnant. My belly is the size of Canada and my brain is the size of a mustard seed (and, trust me, this mustard seed isn’t up to moving any mountains). Pregnancy and childbirth – it’s a Serious Design Flaw, if you ask me. And it’s not like there aren’t better systems out there on the market. Kangaroos, for example, have a perfectly reasonable reproductive system in place.

(Please note, if you’re tempted to mention Eve, original sin, or anything to do with apples in the comments, don’t. I’m in no mood.)

So I’m currently hanging out with our toddler in the land of ice cream and honey (also known as Australia) awaiting the birth of our second child. Meanwhile my husband, Mike, is starting a new job in Laos, overseeing an in-country move, finding a house, buying a car, etc. He won’t be here for another two months.

I was going to write something about pregnancy and cross-cultural living but, well, mustard seed. Instead, I’m going to share an unpublished piece I wrote shortly after we moved to Laos called You Owe Me Grace. This piece still makes me laugh and think. I hope you enjoy it.

Dom Lennox Head 28.4.13-7

You Owe Me Grace

Ever since my husband, Mike, and I moved to Laos three months ago, perhaps the single word that has best described life is, “eventful”. Few weekends, however, have been as eventful as this last one. This weekend was the first time we bought a puppy home, the first time we cooked dinner in our new place, the first day we took possession of a golf cart as our household vehicle, and the first time we crashed it.

The town where we live, Luang Prabang, is small enough to navigate without a car. We’re still debating whether we’ll get a motorcycle or make do with our feet and bicycles, but while we figure it out we’ve decided to take our landlord up on her offer to use the golf cart that was parked on the property when we first arrived.

I’d like to be able to explain how this afternoon’s accident happened, but I’m not entirely sure. I’ve seen Mike safely navigate four wheel drive trucks backwards down dirt tracks barely wide enough to fit a bicycle (though, come to think of it, how we got stuck down that track in the first place could be the subject of a whole other article, and I’ll tell you right now it certainly wasn’t my fault). I’ve been Mike’s passenger on the back of motorcycles and in cars that he has capably piloted on three continents. I’d say without hesitating that he is a better driver than I am.

Except, apparently, when it comes to golf carts.

The golf cart’s not hard. I mean, sure, it doesn’t have lights, or turn signals, or power steering, or brakes that work well. You can’t see out the plastic windshield at the front very well because it’s all scratched up. And you do have to come in the house on an angle or you’ll bottom out. But, still, the thing is significantly smaller than the width of our driveway, which is why I remain puzzled as to how exactly Mike managed to ramp the curb while turning into the house and then drive full speed into our gate.

As “full speed” here was approximately the velocity of a decrepit ride-on lawnmower, no one was hurt – unless you count the abdominal strain undoubtedly experienced by the three neighborhood men standing nearby during their subsequent laughing fit. These men didn’t even try to pretend that it wasn’t the funniest thing they’d seen all month, and I can’t say I blame them. How often do you get to see two foreigners, carrying three kilos of tomatoes and drinking iced coffee out of a plastic bag, pilot a golf cart into a stationary object?

“I think it’s OK,” I said to Mike after we came to a standstill, laughing a little myself and having no clue whether what I’d just said was in any way true.

I hopped out and stared at the front of the golf cart. It was leaking a black, oily-looking, fluid.

Mike was considerably less amused than the rest of us.

“I don’t think it’s OK,” he said, grim, as he got out to survey the damage. “If that’s oil, then it’s definitely not OK.”

The neighborhood men had wandered over to take a closer look.

Bo di,” I said to them, shrugging.

No, they agreed with my rudimentary Lao, “cannot do”. The men went on to say many other things, too, but goodness knows what they were. The options are endless, really. They could have been offering to help us push the cart into the driveway, or they could have been inquiring as to whether we had the brains God gave a water buffalo. Even if I could speak Lao fluently, however, I’m still not sure I would have been able to understand them given that they were still laughing hysterically during the entire one-way exchange.

As Mike and the neighborhood men maneuvered the cart into the driveway I totted the tomatoes, destined for that night’s adventure in “make your own pasta sauce”, into the house. I was chopping away by the time Mike came in.

“I can’t believe I did that,” he said.

“Honey, it’s really OK,” I said. “No one was hurt. It can be fixed. It’s not a big deal.”

“I know,” Mike said, sighing. “But I feel stupid.”

“Yeah,” I said supportively. “I can see why.”

This didn’t quite make him laugh, but it came close.

“You’re taking this much better than I am,” he said. “That’s really good.”

I thought this last statement over while I did the rest of the chopping, and 36 tomatoes later I’d realized something that I’m not at all proud of.

By far the largest part of me genuinely isn’t that fussed about the golf cart. Accidents happen. The money and hassle that will be involved in getting it fixed are annoying, sure, but they are completely overshadowed by the much more important fact that no one was hurt.

But I also realized that there is a small and grubby part of me that can be secretly glad when things like this happen to Mike – a part of me that claps its hands and makes a notation on a mental list of, “silly things that Mike has done in the year and a half since we’ve gotten married”. This list has things on it like: parking ticket in LA (two), leaving a bank card in an ATM, and… driving the golf cart into the gate.

I’m not sure whether it makes it better or worse that I’m not cataloging these incidents because I’m secretly more frustrated than I act when they happen. No, what is happening is much more self-centered than mere repression. The small part of me that rubs its hands in glee at moments like these is happy because I know, I just know, that one of these days I’m going to do something dumb on a scale so epic that Mike cannot yet fathom it. I’m going to book non-refundable international airtickets for the wrong day, or write off a vehicle considerably more expensive than the golf cart, or give the wrong bank account number when I’m trying to transfer money internationally.

Oh, wait, I’ve already done that last one.

The point is, part of me is glad to tell Mike that a dented golf cart is no big deal because I’m hoping – no, expecting – that when I do this next silly thing Mike will smile serenely and tell me everything is fine. Because he will, after all, owe me grace.

Somehow I don’t think that’s exactly the spirit of what Jesus had in mind in Mark 12:31 when he instructed us that we should love our neighbor as ourselves, even if my actions in being unruffled by golf cart mishaps seem to check the box.

Oh well, I’m sure Mike will give me more opportunities in the months and years to come to get my attitude and my actions in a decent place at the same time. And who knows, I may even give him some. After all, there’s a first time for everything.

How do you handle these sorts of mishaps (which can happen a lot when you’re living overseas)?

Have you ever caught yourself feeling “owed” grace? How do you combat that?

Lisa and Mike overlooking Luang Prabang Laos

Lisa McKayauthor, psychologist, sojourner in Laos

Blog: www.lisamckaywriting.com      Books: Love At The Speed Of Email and My Hands Came Away Red

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About Lisa McKay

Lisa McKay is a psychologist and the award-winning author of the memoir Love At The Speed Of Email, the novel My Hands Came Away Red, and several books on long distance relationships. She lives in Laos with her husband and their two sons.
  • Tara Porter-Livesay

    Oh my word. I confess that I enjoy when my husband gets into a fender bender for these very same reasons. I need to bank his fender benders for mine, which are always coming. Grace – given whether owed or not is the real gift 🙂

    • That is true!! Even when a small part of me might feel I’m “owed it” it’s always humbling to know you’re on the receiving end of grace when you feel like you’ve done something dumb. Or hurtful.

  • Hahaha. I loved this, Lisa! I totally get it! I didn’t drive for like 6 loooong months and felt totally incapacitated at first living in Asia, and Matt seemed to have it all figured out and be able to do it all . . . and I totally felt like a loser and admit to enjoying when he did mess up.

    Oh, the lovely lists we keep in our minds.

    Loved that first pic of you preggo! Congrats friend and here’s to hoping the last few weeks fly by.

    • Thanks Laura. I got up to Dominic four times last night. I have no idea how that’s going to work in 10.5 weeks when we have another little being to be up to several times a night as well. Someone please explain.

      • Richelle Wright

        coffee and coke…

        • Laughed out loud. Closely followed by a big sigh.

  • Marilyn Gardner

    Oh wow….yes. “You owe me grace” happened the other day. Convicting sigh here. But what I really loved was this line “(Please note, if you’re tempted to mention Eve, original sin, or anything to do with apples in the comments, don’t. I’m in no mood.)” hahaha! You go girl.

    • Mike says I am at my most charming and gentle when I’m in my third trimester. Mind you, he only ever says this when we’re safely separated by an ocean (which has been most of both of these third trimesters). Growl.

      • Richelle Wright

        yeah… i was sent away twice during the third trimester as well…

        • To be honest, I’m so glad I’m here right now, not there. Trying not to think about reversing it all in October again.

  • Richelle Wright

    in all honesty… i prefer feeling owed grace from someone (particularly hubby) over feeling i owe that grace myself… if that makes sense. in my experience, reality, there’s never enough grace to go around. at least not in this lifestyle. and there should be – or maybe i just need to be there should be more coming from me.

    when i think about it, i feel like a total heel because i get those little triumphant feelings when hubby is in a difficult moment. yet any time i’ve ever been in one, he’s the one i call to come to the rescue and he does so and always graciously.

    wonder if this is a woman thing… are we just cattier to begin with?

    • I don’t know … because Mike doesn’t get this at all either. He just shakes his head at this piece and says “it doesn’t work like that!” And I say, “welllllll, maybe it’s shouldn’t work like that, maybe it doesn’t for YOU, but it sometimes does for me.” And he says, “you know this is one of those times when honesty doesn’t equal righteousness, right?” And I say, breezily, and knowing I’m pretty much in the wrong “oh, honesty always equals righteousness.”

  • LOL. I left my ATM card in an ATM machine twice in a week. The second time I wasn’t sure which 7-11, and since there is a 7-11 every other foot, that involved asking at a lot of 7-11s with broken languages.

    • Yeah, we’ve lost two now and never got them back. Oh well, there are worse mishaps.

  • What a great story, Lisa! Thanks for brightening my day. 🙂

    • It wasn’t super deep, but I figured a bit of a giggle wouldn’t go astray this month (for me, or anyone else). Hope you’re well!!

  • what a great post to re-visit and share again.
    Also – on pregnancy – you know how the # 40 keeps showing up in Scripture? 40 days & nights of rain… 40 years in the wilderness … 40 days in the desert… I think it’s because 40 is the amount of units of time that *almost* feel like forever. 40 is just how far you can push it before people “go ’round the bend” as they say, and lose it. And is it any wonder that pregnancy is 40 weeks long?

    (though it seems that is an arbitrary number that doesn’t actually match up to childbirth, but is more convenient for the medical industry, but don’t get me started.)

    Blessings on your own +/- 40 week adventure … the other part of scripture that is appropriate here is that everyone, on their 40-unit journey, had God with them, as God is with you.

    • Thank you. Something to meditate on. I swear though, if this upcoming labour is 40 hours long i WILL go round the bend. 🙂

  • Pingback: You Owe Me Grace (and I owe you an update) | LisaMcKayWriting()

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