Author: Jenilee Goodwin

Jenilee is a certified professional life coach, a certified autism coach, and an ordained minister with over 20 years in career ministry. Serving in stateside churches and overseas missions, Jenilee brings lived experience, problem-solving skills, curiosity, compassionate support, and creativity into the coaching space. With many in her immediate family on the autism spectrum, Jenilee has a special place in her heart for moms of kids on the spectrum and for wives going through the difficulties of spectrum marriage, especially women in full time ministry or missions where there are very few places to share the full story. For fun, Jenilee loves reading, writing, coffee, going for walks, and watching history documentaries. You can connect with Jenilee daily on Instagram @jenileerachel or through her website, jenileerachel.com.

How to Help Mom Take a Sabbatical (even with kids at home)

I recently had a conversation with Global Trellis Podcast to answer a listener’s question about moms needing sabbaticals on the field or during home assignments, and she wondered how to make that happen in the busy of life with kids.

The question reminded me of my days with three little girls at home. I was often running on empty, homeschooling, working, taking ministry classes, dealing with health issues, and just doing too much.

I remember asking another older and wiser homeschool mom how she fit in quiet time or rest time during her days while also being a mom, teacher, nurse, cook, and playmate. She answered, “You take the time right there in the busy moments of the day. Sit on the floor with the kids, read your Bible, journal, write, pray, study . . . let your girls see you taking that time for yourself and for Jesus.”

Her advice stuck with me, and I obviously still think about it today. Implementation of the advice took a little trial and error as I worked out how to make it all work while focusing, praying, or learning. I had to adjust my expectations, reframe what I thought quiet time or rest time could be, and really allow Jesus to walk with me in the moment.

As I continued thinking about the answer to this listener’s question, I thought about this advice and how it could also apply to a sabbatical. Yet I also recognized that the simple advice I’d followed as a young mom needed more depth to fully apply to global worker families in need of true sabbatical time.

Is it even possible for missionary parents, moms especially, to take a sabbatical? Is it possible for couples with littles to have sabbatical time together, or should they plan separate times?

In the podcast, I offered some tips, ideas, and layered ways to make sure young families or busy moms can also take sabbatical time. There’s a lot to consider, but here are the top seven things you can do to take a sabbatical as a parent.

Redefine what sabbatical means for your season.

You don’t have to leave your home, your country, or your kids to rest. A sabbatical can simply be a slower pace, gentler expectations, and a little more breathing room. Think of it as a pause or a slowdown that shifts how you move through your days rather than trying to plan a dramatic break from your life.

Set a few intentions, goals, or expectations before you begin.

Ask yourself what you want to feel at the end of this sabbatical. What do you want to accomplish, learn, pray through, or focus on during your sabbatical? What you need to release, what needs to be restored, and what you want to hear from God?

These quiet questions can help you pay attention to what your sabbatical time is actually for, instead of arriving at the end of your sabbatical and wishing you’d been more intentional.

Make small, practical changes at home.

A home‑based sabbatical is built on small changes from normal. This could look like simpler meals, lighter homeschooling, fewer ministry tasks, a daily anchor like a quiet hour or a walk, and/or one day each week where you don’t host, meet, or do any outside work. Even small pauses like tea outside, a slow walk, a quiet hour, or a creative moment will begin to add up.

Choose what you’re pausing and what you’re keeping.

You can be strategic. Hospitality, team responsibilities, ministry output, language learning, extra personal goals, and discipleship of others can all be set down for a season. Basic parenting, simple family rhythms, and connection with God can become more normal during sabbatical. This isn’t quitting ministry or failing at global work. It’s choosing a time of sabbatical that fits what you’d like to have for a sabbatical.

Bring your family into the process.

Let your kids know you’re slowing down for a little while. Let them see you develop a sabbatical that includes them in the intentional plans. Create a family “slow list” of restful activities the kids can do while you read or study or exercise. Build small rituals like quiet mornings or simple meals. Kids learn rest by watching you rest, and a sabbatical can become a gentle reset for everyone.

Communicate clearly with your team or organization.

A few simple sentences of preparational communication can protect both your health and your ministry. You can say things like, “This is a temporary rest season,” or “This helps me stay healthy long‑term.” Most teams respond well when they understand the purpose behind your pause.

*I’ll add a caveat to all of this planning to mention that your organization might require special permission or approval for taking sabbatical time. Be sure to check in with them early in your process!

Set aside dedicated time, if needed.

For some, having a very free-flowing, easy, laid-back sabbatical time is the perfect fit for you. If it were structured, it wouldn’t feel restful. Plan that way.

For others, having a structured, planned, and fully orchestrated routine is going to keep you on track and help you stay motivated to accomplish what you’d intended for sabbatical time. Of course, there’s a group in the middle that needs to plan for some of both options!

It’s important to understand yourself and be self-aware enough to know what will be best for your rest, renewal, and refreshing while also helping you grow and learn.

Additional Resources for Planning and Taking a Sabbatical

Velvet Ashes has many specific posts and resources about taking a sabbatical.

Right here at A Life Overseas, you can find more information about taking a missionary or ministry sabbatical.

Over at Global Trellis, there is a full Sabbatical Journey Course with downloads, videos, and guided discussions that can be used in personal journaling, with your spouse, or in a group. Global Trellis runs small groups through zoom calls with other workers who are going through the course. These are offered when there is a need for community. If that’s you, please contact Global Trellis about groups or other ways to find community.

As you research, plan, pray, and start to build your sabbatical, coaching or spiritual direction can be very beneficial in giving you dedicated time to focus on your own journey through a sabbatical. If it is scheduled and on your calendar, it’s more likely to happen.

If you’d be interested in one-on-one coaching, I know there are people who’d love to help. There’s something special about having someone walk with you in this. All of the websites above have more resources for coaches, counselors, and spiritual directors.

If you’d like to talk with me specifically, please reach out!

Did You Forget You Were Brave?

I’m not sure I’ve ever considered myself to be brave. I might have a burst of energy that moves me into a situation that requires some bravery, but I often rely on the encouragement, advice, help, and strength of those around me. I very rarely walk into a contentious or scary situation on my own feeling brave, confident, and sure.

When I think about bravery, I see images of strong soldiers, firemen, or rescue workers. I think about people who daily put their life on the line for someone else or who courageously fight to protect, serve, and provide. They don’t freeze or fawn; they fight.

But as a middle child and peacekeeper, I would rather lay low in conflict than put myself out into the fray of whatever is happening. Acts of bravery are not my go-to when life gets bumpy, and I tend to freeze in moments of challenge.

I’m currently in a season of re-entry, transition, and waiting for the scattered pieces to fall into place after the earth-shattering shift my life has taken in the past few years. I’m slowly finding my footing and rebuilding life.

If you’ve ever been in a season like this, you know all the internal work involved in starting over. You know the grief, loss, change, and uncertainty that hit at different times.

But with the internal work come all the practical things that also take energy and capacity in the midst of healing and recovery. Practical things like finding a car, getting a new cell phone, finding winter clothes, or shopping for a house.

I happen to be in the “shopping for a house” stage. A house that I’ll purchase on my own in my home state. A house that I never imagined I’d need, buy, or settle in. A decision that feels heavy, burdensome, and uncertain.

At the moment, it feels like the scariest thing I’ve ever done. Especially buying a house on your own with no one else to bear the weight with you. It’s terrifying in this world with this economy and this climate. How on earth will I do this?

Yet, we need a home. We need a place to settle, to fully breathe, to finally heal. I was expressing this to my youngest daughter, saying, “This is the scariest thing I’ve ever done!”

She looked at me from the passenger seat and said, “Mom. Yes, this is big and scary. But you do big and scary things all the time. You moved your family to Africa. That’s way more scary than this.” She continued, “You had little girls and you moved them across the ocean. That’s big. You can do it, Mom. You can buy a house.”

I thought about her words. “Well, that’s true. I did that, and it was brave, wasn’t it?”

“Mom, you’ve done a lot of brave things even though you were scared. You can do this too.”

I started thinking of other brave things and realized there were more moments of bravery than I gave myself credit for. Some big, some small, but all requiring a strength I didn’t know I had before moving overseas.

Running a marathon
Facing an MS diagnosis
Changing my diet to improve my health in Africa
Sending my girls in a taxi to school in West Africa
Saying goodbye as the girls went to boarding school
Sitting in language school during terror attacks in Paris
Playing a game while riots and police and grenades all battled outside the window
Eating food in far off places with unknown ingredients
Enduring endless ants, mosquitos, mango worms, and cockroaches
Knowing I was going to sleep with lizards in the room
Driving through military checkpoints
Riding out a pandemic in a country with few ventilators

Pondering this list, I see that it’s just a small sample of events and moments that required bravery. I can look back and know that God was with me. I fully believe that it was His strength in me that gave me the courage to remain, to keep going, and to follow Him each day. It took standing on God’s firm foundation to stop and obey over the past few years.

It reminds me of the nation of Israel when they were taking the Promise Land. Reading through the story, I’ve seen this phrase, this very brave phrase, that says, “If the Lord is with me . . .”

Caleb says it in Joshua 14:12 when he requests land that is filled with the descendants of giants. He knows that if God is with him, he can do it. And he does. Caleb had full confidence which gave him incredible bravery. Over and over, we see the nation’s leaders walk in God’s power and step into their inheritance.

Gideon says it in Judges 6:13, but for Gideon, it’s stated as a question to the angel of the Lord. Through the angel, God had just called Gideon a mighty hero. Gideon’s response was tentative, asking, “But if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened?”

I relate to both of these scenarios. Sometimes, like Caleb, I know that God is with me and boldly take a step. Sometimes, like Gideon, doubt, fear, exhaustion, and overwhelm turn the phase into a question. “God, if you’re with me, why is this happening?”

God’s answer to Gideon is also His answer to me when questioning and scared: “Go in the strength you have.” Gideon then responds with another question: “How? I’m the weakest and least.” Also me.

As we continue through Gideon’s story, God promises to be with Gideon. If you know this story, you know that Gideon needs a sign from God. A few signs, actually.

Through the rest of Gideon’s story we read about God telling Gideon not to be afraid. We see God rescue, help, comfort, and guide Gideon through challenges that took great courage. We see God deliver His people through a man who didn’t think he was brave enough for the task.

But Gideon didn’t have to be brave enough. God was with him.

Maybe you need a reminder of bravery in your current season, decision, or challenge. Maybe like Caleb, you know God is with you, and that helps you bravely take the giants down. But maybe like me, like Gideon, there are questions and prayers and needed signs to feel the full assurance that God is with you.

So go forward in the strength, in the bravery that you have. God is with you. And if God is with you, you have all the bravery and courage you need for whatever is in your path.

Are You in Burnout?

I was talking to another worker recently who mentioned that she might be in burnout. She was expressing her frustration with a long season of exhaustion, low capacity, and lack of motivation.

“I keep thinking that this will go away and I’ll get my energy back, but it’s been months and I’m still struggling,” she said as tears welled up in her eyes. “What is wrong with me? I just can’t do everything that needs to be done.”

Having been there myself, I knew exactly what she meant. I could fully empathize with her tears and frustration. It wasn’t what she wanted as she planned her year, but I knew it was vital for her to recognize it and get the needed help for recovery.

Our conversation moved into new year dreams and plans, keeping the conversation low-pressure and gentle. When burnout is involved, gentleness is the only way forward.

What is Burnout?

Unfortunately, burnout is common among those living and working overseas. It’s especially prominent in ministry contexts. With the added layers of language, culture, and transition, workers experience high-stress, high-overwhelm jobs and lives.

For global workers, burnout rarely comes from a single crisis. It more often develops slowly through prolonged stress, great responsibility, cultural adjustment, relational strain, organizational dysfunction, and limited space for rest and recovery.

So what is burnout? Burnout can be described as a state of on-going physical and mental exhaustion that is caused by chronic, unmanaged stress and that often presents with memory loss, brain fog, low sensory tolerance, and a reduced sense of effectiveness.

According to the World Health Organization’s classification, burnout is an occupational phenomenon that results from chronic, work-place stress.

In pop psychology, it can be defined simply as what happens when you give more energy than you have for too long, without enough rest, support, or relief. It’s not just being tired. It’s feeling emotionally drained, mentally overwhelmed, and disconnected from things that once mattered.

You find yourself more cynical, less patient, easily irritable, and continuously annoyed.

You can’t solve problems as easily as you once did, and you might be more prone to sickness, unable to sleep at night, fatigued even after resting, and feeling internally depleted.

If this sounds familiar, you could be in burnout.

Remember, burnout isn’t caused by one bad day. It’s the result of chronic stress, intense responsibility, and a lack of recovery time between stressors. It’s then magnified when it hasn’t been seriously considered or properly supported.

In overseas ministry, burnout can be ongoing due to cultural adaptation, high emotional demand, spiritual needs, family pressure, blurred boundaries, limited access to safe support systems, and a call to keep going, keep serving, keep doing no matter the cost.

And even when this is recognized as burnout, it’s often misunderstood, minimized, or spiritualized away.

What about Neurodiversity and Burnout?

For neurodivergent individuals (including ADHD, autism spectrum, sensory processing differences, and other neurological variations), burnout can develop more quickly and take slower recovery.

This is especially true in cross-cultural settings where sensory input is high, social expectations are different, there is a need for sustained masking, and daily life lacks routine and stability.

Neurodivergent burnout may include increased sensory sensitivity, loss of executive functioning skills previously available, heightened emotional reactivity or shutdown, and feeling unable to “bounce back” in familiar ways.

This is not personal failure or a lack of faith. It is your nervous system on full overload.

Getting Help and Finding Support

The first step is to recognize burnout as part of the story. The next step is harder because it means giving yourself permission to be human, need rest, and ask for help. It requires taking an honest look at your capacity, job requirements, team structure, family needs, and all the things that impact your energy each day.

It could also mean both big changes and small adjustments that require boundaries, saying no, or showing up differently. It might mean evaluating what is working and what is not working in your current situation or place of service.

Burnout recovery is most effective when it includes safe support. For overseas workers, this means finding intentional, structured spaces that are aware and ready for full vulnerability.

Support may include coaching, counseling, or debriefing with someone who is trained in cross-cultural work and/or neurodiversity care.

Recovery requires safe spaces to name grief, loss, or resentment without judgment with the permission to pause, reflect, and recalibrate without fear of consequences.

Gentle Reminders for Burnout Recovery

Burnout recovery is not linear. It cannot be rushed. There must be a reduction in responsibilities, intentional slowing, incremental change, and increased rest.

Restoring the nervous system means predictable rhythms, sensory safety, and relational attunement, knowing that capacity returns slowly.

Burnout recovery happens best when you can recognize the signs, seek support, and know that you don’t have to carry it alone.

Burnout is not a spiritual failure, lack of faith, or a personal deficit. It’s not evidence of calling or ministry ability. It’s not due to disobedience or sin or bad character, though God often reveals areas for growth, surrender, and honestly in these seasons of recovery. He lovingly helps name what’s been wrong or out of balance and brings healing to broken, hurting places.

Burnout can be a signal from your body, mind, and soul that something needs care. Often, that care needs the help of professionals who understand trauma, burnout recovery, and the impact of complex stress on your nervous system.

For those living and serving overseas, burnout is not easy to fix or something that can be willed away. But, thankfully, it does not have to be the end of your overseas story.

With this new year beginning and plans unfolding, discovering that burnout is present can be discouraging and hard, but healing is possible.

Download my burnout guide for global workers.

Find other A Life Overseas articles about burnout here.

A Drive Along the South China Sea (a re-entry story)

The sun was setting, casting blues, purples, pinks, and yellows across the sky. The play of the colors on the water held my attention as we drove along the coast. The beauty of the moment was the perfect backdrop for my first moto ride in Vietnam.

After being stateside for over two years, I was in another country exploring new cultures, and it was breathtaking.

We drove by as fishermen were setting out to sea for a night of fishing in their long boats. Kids were playing, running across the path ahead. The smells of food collided with the salty smell of the ocean.

Although I’d never been to Asia, memories of other overseas experiences flooded my mind as I gripped the back of the motorbike. I thought about eating frites from a street cart in Paris, drinking ataya tea in West Africa, ordering Pizza Perfect in South Africa.

My heart paused, and I looked around. I thought about the palm trees, bourgainvillea, and tropical fruit—how much it all reminded me of the sights and smells of Africa. Yet, it wasn’t the same at all.

The driver expertly navigated the bumps and turns of the road while tears slipped under my sunglasses and dripped down my face. I felt silly for crying yet thankful to be feeling all the things.

I cried for the amazement of being there and how challenging it had been to make an overseas trip after such a great, personal loss. I mourned a life that I didn’t know would end the way it did. Tears kept falling as I processed and prayed through all that had happened.

Obviously, I was not yet over the hardships that I’d been through or the difficulty of rebuilding something completely unexpected and new.

But, somehow, the experience was healing the part of me that had been lamenting.

With the wind whipping past my helmet, I was alone with my thoughts and the feelings stirring my soul. In an explosion of emotions, I felt deeply sad, full of anger, and incredibly happy at the same time. I loved the thrill of this once-in-a-lifetime ride while also grieving places and people I’d never see again.

The sky kept changing colors as we drove. It was almost like the shifting hues sensed my shifting emotions. I felt pain and thankfulness, joy and anger, loss and hope. I was hoping no one would notice my crazy emotions, but the mascara under my eyes told the story.

So many big emotions competed for my attention, but there wasn’t time to process. I would journal it all later, letting Jesus speak to the intensity of each feeling.

In that single ride, I held the juxtaposition of a life overseas and work that I love with the reality of my story that now includes great hurt, harm, brokenness, and abrupt endings.

A few years earlier, when I landed back in the States, I didn’t know it would be the last time that I got on an international flight without a return ticket. I didn’t plan or prepare for the possibility that I would be settling into life in my home state, in a town I’d never lived in, starting over in every way.

After going through such a rough re-entry with the loss of network, loss of friends, and loss of support, it was beyond a blessing to be processing from such a precious vantage point.

God was doing something new in my heart. I was on a short trip, my first in a long time, and it was exactly what my heart needed to do.

I was drinking egg foam coffee and eating Vietnamese food. I was working with an interpreter to teach a lesson while barefoot. I loved it all.

Emotions and feelings and thoughts that had been laid down were coming alive, and things that had been lost were found.

I reengaged the part of me that missed life overseas and remembered how much I had poured into those years. From writing and language learning and fundraising all the way through paperwork and culture shock, I grieved the loss while holding the blessings.

Looking back over that motorbike ride, I’m thankful that I could be there and grateful for the emotional ride along the South China Sea.

I’m thankful for friends, new and old, who’ve walked with me through leaving, through re-entry, through rediscovering a love for overseas work.

I’m thankful for the fresh overseas experience and for how I can still participate in it with all of you. I love what I’m doing through life coaching, writing here at A Life Overseas and at Global Trellis, supporting those still living on faraway continents in faraway places.

Re-entry isn’t the end. Wherever we live, whichever side of the ocean, we get to participate in Kingdom life right where we are, right in this moment. The experiences, memories, feelings, and growth moments are all valuable parts of our story. Somehow God weaves it all into something that might be different than we expected—but something that is constructive and meaningful.

Neurodiverse Marriage on the Field

When diving into the topic of neurodiversity, it can be complicated to navigate all the different ways it can show up in your children, your family, or your marriage. The more we learn about neuroscience and brain biology, the more evidence we have that adults and children alike are on the neurodiverse spectrum, and the impact carries through life.

Neurodiversity in adults can be fun and quirky from the outside, but the internal and relational challenges of neurodiversity can be magnified by the stress, transition, work load, sensory differences, and social needs of being in global work.

Simply stated, neurodiversity is a biological brain difference. A neurodivergent brain functions and processes differently from what is considered “typical.” These differences include conditions like autism, ADHD, and learning disabilities, as well as slow processing, auditory processing disorder, and sensory challenges.

In my previous article about noticing neurodiversity in TCKs, I mentioned the process of looking inward because this does not just impact children. I wrote, “Neurodiversity has an 80% heredity rate. That is high enough to warrant a look at you or grandparents or aunts and uncles. If it is in your children, it’s probably in the family, and it could be impacting your experience overseas. It also tends to have a very high impact on marriage and relationships. If you’re struggling, neurodiversity could be why!”

I want to dive more into the relational impact and how, if present as an adult, it could be affecting your friendships, work relationships, and even your marriage.

Just as there are ways to help your TCKs with neurodiversity, there are ways to help adults who are on the spectrum. But first, neurodiversity in an adult must be acknowledged and noticed.

What can this look like for adults?

For adults, neurodiversity looks like challenges with emotional connection, executive function deficits, missing social cues, and differences in communication. There can be challenges in showing empathy, difficulty completing tasks, emotional regulation problems, and heightened sensory responses that make daily life confusing and disorganized.

There may be special interests, hobbies, and a deep, hyperfocus on specific things that may look like hours spent researching, complete loss of time doing an activity, or incredible knowledge about certain topics that often do not reflect the actual requirements for work, tasks, or needs of life and family.

When neurodiversity is unsupported, unknown, and undiagnosed in adults, there can be increased instances of burnout, anxiety and depression, especially in global work. Lack of motivation, which doesn’t always match the intense focus of other activities, can make life very difficult to manage.

For these adults, there can be a relational, emotional disconnect that often presents with selfishness, entitlement, anger, criticism, and many levels of frustration for all involved.

Neurodiversity in Marriage

The levels of frustration grow for those in close, intimate relationships with the neurodiverse person because there doesn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason to the varied interactions or conversations. There is an ebb and flow of energy, up and down emotions, black-and-white thinking that feels critical and judgemental, and higher rates of conflict that can be overwhelming.

This dynamic can be especially lonely, frustrating, and harmful when the confusion, dysregulation, critical questioning, and crazy-making behavior happens during meltdowns or shutdowns at home but isn’t seen by others. The neurodiverse person can hold it together, masking and mirroring in public, but then unload the impact behind closed doors with their spouse or children receiving the consequences.

These consequences can be obsessive-compulsive behavior, shutting down, impulsivity, anxiety-inducing actions or words. There might be passive-aggressive communication, or loud and angry meltdowns requiring help to regulate or calm. This behavior can even escalate into physical, verbal, or emotional abuse of others.

Often, this roller coaster of intensity will leave a much greater amount of responsibility, adulting, parenting, social pressure, and executive functioning on the neurotypical spouse. This unbalanced mental load can be heavy and harmful to carry and has a direct connection to the longevity of marriage.

Why is this important?

Because of the negative impact it can have when undiagnosed, it is vital that we start to notice, pay attention, listen, and accept neurodiversity in ourselves or our marriage.

Trying to struggle through on your own, whether you see it in yourself or in your spouse, is not sustainable or helpful. Leaving this unnoticed can be the reasons behind marriage struggles, ministry challenges, personnel conflict, and unhealthy team relationships.

Being an adult on the neurodiverse spectrum presents social, emotional, and relational needs that often require support to work, be equipped, and participate in overseas work in healthy ways.

As more information comes about the topic of neurodiversity and as organizations begin to better understand the depth of impact on families and marriages, I believe many of the harmful dynamics can change, burnout can decrease, accommodations can be made, and neurodiverse people can thrive in global work.

Together, as a global community, we can notice, help, support, and accommodate families and marriages on the field.

Neurodiverse Marriage Resources:

Global Trellis Neurodiversity Week

Christian Neurodiverse Couples – Uniquely Us Book

Jenilee Rachel Coaching

The Marriage You Want Book

Leslie Vernick Podcast Episode on Neurodivergence

When Neurodiversity Collides with Ministry and Missions

How to Help Neurodiverse TCKs in Transition

Transition can be very challenging for all third culture kids. But for TCKs who are neurodiverse, it can be complicated and layered for the entire family. The changes in schedule, new routines, and unknown places can be incredibly difficult and upsetting for kids who need stability to thrive.

I remember when our family was sorting our things, putting things in piles, and deciding what needed to be thrown away, donated, stored, and what would travel with us while we raised funds. There were the decisions about what needed to be purchased, what sizes the girls might be at year three of our term, and what kitchen items and coffee supplies needed to get packed into tightly, well-thought out, fifty-pound bins.

In the midst of the decisions and sorting, it was time to begin the work on the girls’ rooms. I remember that it was painfully difficult and I didn’t quite understand why. At the time, I didn’t know that my girls were on the spectrum. I didn’t know anything about ADHD and autism and their deep love for collecting or their sweet connection to their own belongings. I just knew it seemed to be harder for my girls than for other families that I’d spoken to about the sorting and selling process. I knew my girls were struggling with letting go, and our garage sale felt traumatic for them in ways I didn’t expect or understand.

My girls sat in their room, surrounded by all of their stuffed animals. They had sorted them into family units that they’d created according to the different things they would play. They knew each one’s name, when they got it, and where it came from. Dolls, Barbies, Polly Pockets, and Build-a-Bears with clothes—it was all so special to them.

As an adult, I had to help them choose. We pain-stakingly, tearily made decisions about what would fly with us, what would get stored, and what could be sold or given away.

That emotional event was just one of many for our family. The journey overseas was just beginning. It would be many years, and many similar sorting times with similar decisions, before we would find out about their neurodiversity.

Even before a diagnosis, I knew that there were parts of being a TCK that were challenging for my girls in ways that seemed out of proportion or over-stimulating or more frustrating to navigate than I imagined.

Being a third culture family involves so much moving, selling everything multiple times, packing everything over and over, sleeping in new beds, searching through storage, living with family, staying in hotels, changing foods, and then, all the loss and grief processing.

If you break those things down for a neurodiverse family, each brings unique circumstances and complications. For kids who struggle with social interactions, all the new people and situations quickly become overwhelming. The extra communication challenges can make expressing needs and feelings quite difficult, especially when it involves new languages. Kids who have sensory processing differences might be hypersensitive to loud noise, bright lights, and smells. They can easily experience sensory overload that causes shutdowns and meltdowns. These kids can have challenges regulating their emotions, which can lead to outbursts.

Living life with constant change means lack of routine and unknown schedules. Quite often, children with neurodiversity experience a lot of stress when the bed isn’t exactly right or the food tastes different or a toy they expect to play with or a shirt they want isn’t in their suitcase or carry on. A late bedtime can cause complete lack of sleep for the whole family.

Behaviors that can help bring calm and lower stress can also be challenging. They need to move, fidget, make noises, play with things, understand their surroundings, and regulate themselves with repetitive behaviors. If you add challenges with focus, attention, or impulsiveness, it can be an ordeal to attend new churches, sit in meetings, wait in offices, or stand in lines for long periods of time.

As I lay out these many challenges for neurodiverse families, it can seem like a daunting task to ease the pressure or make this life of constant transition possible or sustainable.

Thankfully, there are things that you can set in place to prepare your kids for the changes and transitions. There are ways to allow them to flourish in the midst of the crazy schedules and unknown timelines and new situations.

Ways to Help TCKs in Transitions

1} Patience. This can mean you need to take a step back, take a breath, and allow yourself some space to evaluate your family’s specific needs. Be patient with yourself as the parent and with your kids who are navigating a lot of big things at the same time. Grace, patience, and a lot of real self-care and rest are essential.

2} Journal. Keep good records of the travels and places! Using something like this free family travel journal or something similar can be really helpful to build memories and to allow your kids to keep track of where they’ve been and where they’re going. For my girls, this helped them process and even feel like they were “collecting” their travels by keeping track of airports and countries and animals.

3} Parenting ahead. To the best of your ability, think ahead and plan ahead so that you can parent ahead. Quick changes can be debilitating for neurodiverse kids. Parenting ahead means walking through things with your kids before they happen. It means thinking through different scenarios or possibilities so that your kids feel as prepared as they can be for the next thing to come their way. This helps neurodivergent brains think ahead and prepare and process so that they aren’t caught off guard or feeling unsure without a way to tell you what they’re feeling or ask what they don’t know to ask. Practice border crossings and checkpoints. Practice alert words or code words that they can use for certain emotions or to express what they need if they shut down and lose words when they’re dysregulated. Practicing these things ahead of time helps them feel prepared and reminds you that your kids need a little extra help sometimes.

4} Make accommodations. You know your kids the best. Accommodate loud places with noise-canceling headphones. Bring their favorite blanket even if it’s bulky or inconvenient. Make sure they can get enough sleep by leaving an event early or allowing your kids to stay back at the hotel to rest. Accommodate their special needs without feeling guilty or embarrassed that they need a little extra help or time or space. Pack a bag with fidgets. Let them run.

5} Apply the red-yellow-green structure to your family and parenting decisions. This can be a great way to evaluate if something is a green light for your kids or if there are yellow warning signs about a situation or there are actual red flags that need to be paid attention to on behalf of your family. Neurodiversity requires this kind of information to navigate the many layers of what might work and what might not.

6} Say goodbye well. Build your family’s RAFT – reconciliation, affirmation, farewell, think destination – in ways that will help your kids say goodbye and transition well depending on their neurodiverse thinking and needs. This can mean visiting places and allowing them to collect rocks or shells or other souvenirs. It might be allowing them to help make decisions that kids might not normally care about or spending a lot of time parenting ahead for what is to come. Find a way to honor the goodbye that means something to your kids in their season of life and ability to participate in the experience. Remember, this can be overwhelming to the whole family and might be extra challenging, which requires planning and intentional moments.

7} Get creative. As in all neurodiverse parenting, get creative about the upcoming transitions. Create countdowns with posters on the wall or paper rings to count the days. Time can be very challenging for neurodiverse kids, so this can help them space out the days and not feel as much anxiety about an impending transition. Celebrate with favorite meals at home instead of out in a busy restaurant that might cause overstimulation or meltdowns. As national church leaders or people in your host country to come to your house rather than a village visit that could require hours of travel. Give your neurodiverse kids creative ways to navigate transition.

8} Build something constant. For me, this meant hauling a laundry basket of bedding so that when we arrived at a hotel, I could make the room look like home. It meant making sure that bedtime routines stayed basically the same wherever we were in the world. Build consistency and work for routine, even when it’s harder to establish in a lifestyle that’s shifting. Even if you can build constancy 50% of the time, that’s 50% of the time that has routine and planning. It will pay off when things don’t go as planned or there is a quick change. Making that happen a little less often will really help your kids adjust in new surroundings with new people.

9} Find support. This is so important. Have a place to vent, bounce ideas, plan, prepare, and help you think outside the box. This can be helpful if you’re schooling on the road, trying to get educational help, or figuring out a season of meltdowns and emotional dysregulation. Having someone who understands neurodiverse parenting and overseas life can be an important part of your overseas support base and team. Have a teacher whom you can call with questions. Ask a counselor or psychologist for advice specific to your kids and your family. Find a coach who can walk through the transitions with you. You need multiple avenues of support for your neurodiverse family to thrive.

10} It’s okay. It’s okay if you need to make some drastic changes for your family if this isn’t working. It’s okay if your kids need more than your host country can help them with. It’s really okay to make accommodations, do things differently, get your kids support, and learn new vocabulary for what your family experiences and why. It’s okay to be in a season that’s stressful and difficult and decide you need to take time to figure it out and get healthy. Give yourself permission to walk this out in a way that helps your family.

In the end, the most valuable tips for walking your kids through transition and helping them navigate changing seasons come from you as the parent. You know your kids, and God has planned your family dynamics. He’s equipped you to be the mom and dad who know these kids and, with His help, meet their very special needs.

For the aunts and uncles, teammates, and fellow workers who are reading this, God has also positioned you to support and help these families on your field and in your host country. You have the opportunity to come alongside them and make this work sustainable for their family.

With creativity, support, planning, and accommodations, neurodiverse families can thrive on the field. And with a little extra thought and understanding, neurodiverse third culture kids can love their overseas experience with fond memories and good experiences.

How to Notice Neurodiversity in Third Culture Kids

Noticing unique differences in children is challenging for most parents. It’s common for parents to wonder if a behavior is just quirky or if there’s more to what they’re seeing, asking themselves, “Is this normal? Or not?”

For example, having a child with food or texture avoidance can be just a normal part of being a kid. Plenty of children struggle with the annoyance of a scratchy tag on their shirt or struggle with paying attention at school. Those things alone do not mean a sensory processing disorder or learning disability. Sometimes, it’s just part of being a kid.

For those living cross-culturally, it can be even more difficult to see, notice, and pinpoint the difference between “normal” and something that might tip the scale into neurodiversity. Because third culture families are moving around the world, going through the many stages of transition, and in new situations regularly, it can be hard to know if what you’re noticing is from the TCK life or if there is more involved.

TCKs endure such an intensity of life in every area that trying to analyze behavior or uniqueness is a huge task.

What is neurodiversity? How does it look in kids? What makes it a spectrum?

Simply put, neurodiversity, or the neurodiverse spectrum, is a biological brain difference. A neurodivergent brain functions and processes differently from what is considered “typical.” These differences include conditions like autism, ADHD, dyslexia, and sensory challenges. It can manifest differently from child to child, person to person.

The neurodiverse spectrum often shows up in difficulties with social situations, heightened sensory sensitivities, special interests, and challenges with learning. Children might not communicate well, struggle with eye contact, or have difficulties staying emotionally regulated. Neurodivergent kids tend to fidget and move, especially when nervous or anxious.

This combination of traits and signs can cause meltdowns, shutdowns, and plenty of exasperation and frustration.

Sensory overload, brought on by smells, lights, sounds, or textures, can be absolutely overwhelming.

Learning challenges and social challenges can make school or homework time incredibly hard.

Language comprehension difficulties, processing differences, repetitive behaviors, and trouble with reciprocal play or conversation can all combine to create potential indicators of neurodiversity.

Parents might notice patterns of clumsiness, lack of motor skills, restlessness, and anxiety about social situations.

Neurodivergent kids often need more quiet, peace, and time to concentrate on homework or other tasks. They might need more breaks, more routines, and more consideration that their peers do not seem to require.

These children might struggle with following voiced directions or remembering the order of tasks like math problems or chores.

Traditional methods of parenting, discipline, or motivating can be unhelpful. If demand avoidance is at play, it’s a whole different world than what would be typical for another parenting experience. What works for one family might not work for a neurodiverse family.

Because the spectrum is so vast and complex, parents might see an interesting combination of these challenges expressed in ways that are hard to articulate to teachers, family, or friends. For parents living and working overseas, these must then be communicated in another language, learning system, and culture.

Probably the biggest challenge for TCKs who might be neurodivergent is the difficulty with transition or change. Lack of schedules, routines, and a sense of normal can create chaos for kids who rely on those things to regulate emotions and situations for themselves.

Something as simple as a new bed to sleep in or car to drive in or restaurant to eat at can disrupt behavior for a few days. New foods, loud noises, dirty spaces, dusty conditions, strange smells, or bustling transportation can cause epic public meltdowns. A crowded mall or taxi or church can cause a shutdown that causes an inability to speak or ask for help.

Long travel days magnify stress, which magnifies emotional and behavioral symptoms that impact the whole family in ways that are powerful and intense.

Police checkpoints, visa offices, or other official requirements can create an eggshell effect for parents who need a neurodivergent child to behave in a certain way, at a certain time.

Neurodivergent kids will think differently and fight intrusive thoughts while battling impulse control deficits, all of which can create interesting scenarios and stressful moments for the whole family.

Their brains are different, creative, and full of outside-the-box ideas. Potentially, they’re also gifted with a high IQ and have the greatest solutions and problem-solving skills. The strengths of being neurodivergent are many—as are the challenges.

Neurodiversity can look different in girls and in boys. Girls tend to have more social strengths and less of the antsy tendencies of boys. Girls often have stronger communication skills and organizing abilities while being able to mask and pretend and mirror their peers in ways that boys find more difficult. Keep an open mind about what you might be seeing in your daughters or what might be different about your sons.

You might just be reading this, thinking, “That’s just my kid. They’re a little different.”

What can you do if you’re living overseas, parenting a TCK who might be different in ways that are neurodivergent?

1} Pay attention. As a parent, you see what most people don’t see in your kids. You know their behavior, patterns, and challenges. Start to pay attention and notice if something really is different. Your God-given intuition about your kids matters, especially in neurodivergence.

2} Get answers. In the past, the topic of diagnosing, labeling, and categorizing kids was looked down on and thought to be unhelpful or detrimental to children. But with new information, research, studies, and therapies, the diagnosis of autism or ADHD or high IQ (giftedness) can be extremely beneficial. Don’t fear the labels or the diagnosis. It is what gives your kids the accommodations and resources they need to thrive. The earlier you can get therapy and skills and accommodations for your children, the better off they will be in the long run!

3} Get help. To sort through the differences and challenges, you might need professional help. It will take testing that covers many areas and skills. Getting on a call with a trained neurodiverse coach or counselor can be a great first step. Ask questions about your unique parenting or family journey. Find out if what you’re noticing might be neurodiversity in your kids. If so, take the next step to find a diagnostic professional who can help. Start building your support team. (For more on this, read Building Your Healing Team.)

4} Stay transparent. These brain differences can be celebrated in ways that help your children see their gifts and understand their uniqueness. Being open with friends and family allows them to be who they are without fear of masking or pretending. Allow your team and your organization the chance to learn about neurodiversity with you so that your TCKs can express themselves with authenticity.

5} Look inward. Neurodiversity has an 80% heredity rate. That is high enough to warrant a look at you or grandparents or aunts and uncles. If it is in your children, it’s probably in the family, and it could be impacting your experience overseas. It also tends to have a very high impact on marriage and relationships. If you’re struggling, neurodiversity could be why! (For more on this, read When Neurodiversity Collides with Ministry and Missions.)

6} Get resourced. Here are just a few educational and professional resources that could help your family dive into your neurodiverse journey. There is help available around the world and, quite often, through a zoom call. Check out resources, do a web search, ask friends, and see what help is available for learning, growing, and skill-building. Build your support team.

Supporting Neurodivergent TCKs (from TCK Training)
Services in Asia for Family Education (SAFE)
SHARE Education Services
Neurodiversity Week at Global Trellis
Christian Neurodiverse Marriages
Jenilee Rachel Coaching

Hopefully these steps will get you started on noticing neurodiversity in third culture kids. Your situation today may feel challenging, but you’re not beyond help! Feel free to drop questions or comments below. I’d love to help you if I can.

Coming Soon: How to Help Neurodiverse TCKs in Transition

Making Plans and Dreams for the New Year? A Coach Could Help.

Editor’s Note: The process of coaching has been very helpful to me over the past few years. Although counseling is a wonderful modality that we have often encouraged at A Life Overseas, it is not the only avenue for accessing help when we feel “stuck” in life. As Jenilee explains below, coaching might be a good fit for you this year. ~Elizabeth Trotter

As January begins, most of us are planning and preparing for the upcoming year. The new year brings a fresh start, a sense of something different, and a hope that big changes can be made in personal growth, health, relationships, and professional life.

A new year gives everyone a chance to evaluate, set goals, and chart next steps. It’s a time to look back and forward, to reflect and renew, to work out the year with projects, schedules, lists, and goals.

Although well-meaning, this process can feel overwhelming and daunting. Everyone is talking about it, planning a word for the year, and discussing their upcoming goals. Yet in the back of our minds, we know that most people start but don’t finish, plan but don’t execute, talk but don’t take the steps needed to accomplish all the things they’ve talked about.

A year can pass quickly, and we can end up right where we started, wondering how the months went by without getting to what we’d planned to work on or complete.

With the added layers of overseas life, this can be frustratingly true for global workers. The busyness, paperwork, travel, deadlines, government visits, language barriers, and the agonizingly slow pace of checking things off the list each day can make extra goals or hopes seem to fade into the background.

Maybe next year. Maybe one day. Maybe after this season or after these challenges pass. Maybe then.

I’d love to tell you to just do it, get it done, finish strong. I wish I could give you a step-by-step process to muster up enough motivation and willpower to do all the things you hope to do in a day. I wish there were a magic pill for extra capacity when needed.

Unfortunately, real life doesn’t work that way. We can’t just muster up the amount of willpower needed to get it all done, do all the things, or finish all the projects. It’s just not possible to wish capacity into existence.

With the craziness, stress, tension, unexpected decisions, unknown challenges, and random tasks that arise in a day overseas, energy often seems to poof into thin air by lunchtime. On an average day, there isn’t much time or energy left for personal growth, rest, sabbath, quiet time, vacation, personal development, family time, or hobbies.

What if someone could walk with you in your struggles? What if a life coach could help?

A coach can ask questions, hear the whole story, talk through the process, navigate next steps, and build manageable, sustainable goals that work in your current context. You might not be able to will or muster it all on your own, but adding a life coach to your plans can help you with small changes that will lead to sustainable growth.

The idea of having a life coach might be a new concept. You might have questions:

What is life coaching?

How is it different from counseling?

Why do I need a coach?

What do coaches do?

In simplest terms, a coach helps with looking ahead, moving forward, and talking about next steps. A counselor helps with looking back, addressing trauma, and working through past hurt.

According to the International Christian Coaching Institute, “Coaches help people shape new vision and plans, create a sense of purpose, and establish appropriate goals and objectives to generate desired results.”

A coach can help walk back through your story in ways that help you move forward, directing you to a counselor if therapy is needed. A counselor can refer you to a coach as you work on the things you’re learning or processing in counseling.

Having one or both can be a healthy, holistic way to address roadblocks, challenges, and burnout. Coaching and counseling can work really well together or separately, depending on what you need.

As a certified, professional life coach who has also served overseas, I love walking and working with global workers as they sort through their story, find ways to move forward, and dive into personal growth.

I’ve been so thankful in my own life for those who have listened, held my story, patiently coached, wisely counseled, and deeply challenged me towards personal growth and healing.

I’ve walked through seasons when I needed people to ask me difficult questions and push hard conversations. I’ve needed an outside voice and perspective to shed light on situations and speak truth into dark places.

There can be so few places and people who understand the challenges of living and working cross-culturally, who can help with the complexities of it all. It was in reaching out to help from coaches who understood my specific situation that I felt heard and had the space to heal, grow, and learn.

A coach can help with problem solving and skill building. A coach can bring a new perspective and ask good questions related to relationships and teams. Having a coach brings needed accountability and a safe space process all the extra layers of overseas life, marriage, and parenting. Coaches are very helpful as you navigate burnout, do a capacity audit, or work through your current mental load.

Then there are special needs like neurodiversity, ADHD, children’s schooling, or health issues. There are times of moving, furlough, fundraising, networking, and transition. These things take planning and preparation that can feel daunting. A coach can help plan and prepare with you.

A coach brings tools, questions, and plans for personal growth and spiritual formation. They can bring the necessary external push for motivation. A coach can challenge in ways to build resilience, aid in decision making, and facilitate step-by-step processes that are unique to your specific season and place.

There are many ways that having someone like this to speak into your life or help walk through the days with you can be beneficial as you begin a new year. As you make dreams and plans for the next year, ask yourself the following questions:

How do I want to grow?

What do I want to work on?

What challenges am I facing?

What story do I need to share with a safe someone?

Whether choosing a life coach, mentor, counselor, or spiritual director, finding the right person can be challenging. Depending on the situation, you might even need to build a healing team to carry the burden with you and encourage you on the journey.

As you think through the upcoming year and look at the ways you want to grow or the challenges you face, consider how having a life coach could help. Someone could walk the year with you, helping you to sustainably and realistically navigate everything that you face on the field.

Because with all the fears and frustrations and intensity that come with global work, the good news is that you don’t have to walk through it alone.

The Person Just Ahead of You

The day was hot. It was the rainy season in West Africa, sticky and wet and uncomfortable.

Our family had only recently landed on the continent, and our newness was apparent as we did the “new worker” things like open a bank account, struggle through language, try to find housing, and shop for interesting food at the grocery store.

My daughters were getting acclimated to a small international school, figuring out things like needing their “trainers” and “rubbers” instead of their tennis shoes and erasers.

In the midst of all the learning curves, on this particular rainy season day, a fellow worker looked at me and said, “So, I read your blog. How do you write about living overseas or moving overseas when you just got here? Do you know enough to do that?”

Taken aback at the comment, I didn’t have an answer for her other than, “I just write what I’m currently learning.”

Unfortunately, that was not the last time I heard comments like that from fellow workers. About a year later, another worker said that it takes years to really understand and be able to help others. Another time, I heard that it had been discussed in a team meeting that I was too inexperienced to be writing about work overseas.

The comments were confusing and hurtful. I’d been writing for about five years by the time we moved overseas. I often wrote about parenting or homeschooling or traveling with a family. My “top ten” and “how-to” posts were popular and often requested, so it seemed only natural to keep doing that as we raised support, went to language school, navigated our first years overseas, and learned for ourselves what life overseas really was like for a young family.

So to hear that I wasn’t qualified to write about things that I was actually experiencing went against the heart of what I was trying to do with my writing.

I wanted to write with fresh input, real-life stories, actual in-the-moment overseas life lessons so that families or workers walking right behind me could have real, concrete, new information about the process.

When I was asking about what to bring to the field, I received lists that were old and not at all up-to-date. I got advice that they’d been giving for years. I wanted to offer newer processes, current lists, tricks for packing, and ways to prepare yourself and your family for the challenges to come.

I’d love to say that the negative comments and old-fashioned quips that I’ve experienced are an anomaly and unique to me. But sadly, the “it takes years to earn experience” and the “we had to learn the hard way, so can you” mentality is still alive and well.

I recently met with someone who was new to the field and had been asked to mentor another worker. A different worker heard about the situation, took her aside, and said, “Why did they ask you to do that? You’re new to the field.”

I’m ten years from the first comment someone made to me about my blog and my articles to help others who are getting ready to go to the field. I’ve heard many positive and encouraging things. Yet the negatives are still loud.

Loud for me, and loud for many of you who’ve experienced the same.

It might not have been your blog or your writing, but maybe it was landing on the field with years of ministry experience only to be told (in words or in actions) that none of that matters because everything is different overseas.

You may have been put in your place, sent back to square one, and told not to speak until you’ve experienced more real life in your host country. You might have felt completely stripped of your voice or your ability to help, teach, guide, or work.

I’m saddened to continue hearing that this is common in leadership, workers, teams, and orgs. It saddens me because these words and phrases shut down new, helpful, and needed input. These attitudes and mentalities steal fresh perspective, outside eyes, and recent experience. They quiet the voice of the person just in front of you in the process, a voice that needs to be heard by those walking in the footsteps right behind them.

Sometimes, the voice right in front of you is exactly what you need to hear. You don’t always need an expert who doesn’t remember the beginning. You don’t only need to hear the older, more experienced stories.

Those who are years ahead of us have voices that are valid, important, and absolutely needed. The years and history and memories and hardships are beautifully valuable to the next generations of workers.

One is not more important than another. One doesn’t disqualify another.

For example, if a new mom asked me for advice right now about what to add to their baby registry or items to make sure they have in their baby’s nursery, I could offer my favorite things. But my baby is eighteen!

A newer mom, one who is doing this right now, would know about the newest products, coolest gear, and amazing tech for nurseries today. She’s going to know things that I don’t know about shopping for a baby. I’m going to know how to cherish the moments, let go of things that don’t matter, and the truth that babies really do grow up fast. Both perspectives are needed for the new mom.

She doesn’t have to learn the hard way because other moms have gone before her. She’s going to have her own advice to offer in real-time to her friends having babies. And she’s still going to call her mom or another older mom repeatedly to ask about a fever or a rash.

In the same way, our new workers need the old and the new. They need the ones walking far ahead and the ones walking just a few paces in front of them.

After 10 years on the field and 23 years in ministry, what is the best advice I have for all of us?

1} Never be afraid to ask for help, advice, counsel, coaching, and tips.

2} Never be afraid to offer help, advice, counsel, coaching, and tips.

3} Don’t let someone invalidate your voice and your experience.

4} Don’t let your newness or oldness keep you from sharing, asking, or helping.

5} Be good at receiving and accepting the stories and experiences of others.

You might be in a season, however long you’ve been on the field, that you are looking for someone walking just ahead of you. You might be in a time of needing help or coaching. You might need someone to ask you questions or let you process your current challenges. You could be in a place yourself to offer that help and coaching to someone else.

Let’s go for it. Let’s help those walking behind us and value the perspective of those walking ahead of us while honoring the experience of both.

Now, as a professional life coach, my work is helping people navigate situations just like this. I love processing with those who have stories to tell, things to share, and experiences to unpack. I enjoy tackling problems and coming up with manageable solutions. I love asking the questions, putting together a plan, setting goals, and building new strategies for life’s challenges.

It’s an honor to walk through grief, mistakes, broken dreams, and relationship difficulties with those serving in faraway places who are in need of a safe person. From this lane, I can encourage and help those who are also out there encouraging and helping others, regardless of where I am or where they are in the story, the race of life.

In Hebrews 12, the writer gives us a powerful analogy of being surrounded by a cloud of witnesses as we run our race. We are all members of this great cloud of witnesses, and we all have an important part to play.

Through God’s absolute faithfulness in our lives, we can confidently share our experiences regardless of age, years in service, or time overseas.

With endurance and persistence, setting aside negative comments or hurtful discouragement, focus your eyes on Jesus. You have a story, a life, a race, a testimony that matters to those walking behind and before you. What a beautiful partnership when we all, with those behind and before us, share our stories.