by Rebecca Lebens
We define ourselves both to belong and to be set apart. We identify with a place, a culture, a language, an age group, a profession. By our personality, attributes and abilities, by our roles, relationships and religion, we declare who we are and where we belong and why we are special.
Maybe because God met me when I was only five years old, drowning, to show me a ladder and remind me how to crawl—I never thought about creating my own identity back then. I was God’s beloved daughter, rescued from death for now and forever.
I didn’t set out to be a missionary. I asked God if I should be, but I didn’t think I had the personality or the ability for it. I enjoyed traveling and had some ability to learn languages, was extraverted enough to want to meet new people and to share God’s love with strangers, but I was afraid to ask for help and disliked “standing out.”
I hoped He would send me to countries where the people look like me and where I could learn the language well, so that my foreignness wouldn’t be noticed. Maybe I could have a normal job and just moonlight as a subtle advocate for the kingdom of heaven.
When I had the opportunity to study abroad in France, it perfectly suited my preferences and skills. I thought that was the start of my journey, where I would become an undercover religious ambassador. And I loved the way of life that I found there, even though I was surrounded by non-believers and constantly made to defend my faith and challenged to uphold my values.
I made plans to go back after graduation, only waiting on a green light from above. Instead, friends, teachers, and a persistent prompting from the Holy Spirit pointed me in the direction of southeast Asia, specifically South Korea.
Do you ever catch yourself making deals with the Almighty? “Okay, God, but then back to Europe.” He is so gracious — three times He sent me to Asia to work as a teacher, to grow my faith, and to share my love of God with others. And every time He opened doors for me to spend time in Europe after, an irregular sort of furlough.
I am on my third such furlough, and I recently I had to face my fear of being sent back. Since coming back to Europe, I was refusing to cook non-European foods, avoiding using non-European languages, pretending I wasn’t missing Asian dramas and Asian music and my faraway friends. I didn’t want to be associated with anything other than Europe. Like a billboard, I wanted to advertise to God with my choices that I could give up everything I like that is outside of Europe.
In return, He asked me: Where are you trying to belong? Do you belong to a country? To a language? To a certain church?
As a child, I knew I belonged to the God who cared enough to save me. My identity was His daughter; my skills were His gifts. Nothing else mattered. As an adult, I learned to appreciate other identities — and the comfort that comes from fitting in.
Everything I love about Europe also exists in Asia, except that I can pass for a local in almost any European country. I didn’t like being stared at in Asia, just because I look foreign. I didn’t like people asking, “So how long will you be here?” and then deciding whether to be my friend based on the answer.
I didn’t like the smallest word being treated as amazing — wow, you can say hello? And the longest speech being treated the same — wow, you can say all that? I didn’t like being constantly made aware that I didn’t belong, that it wasn’t my language, wasn’t my place.
But do you know what is beautiful about belonging to God? That identity stays true no matter where we are in the world. No matter what languages we speak or what roles we take, we are His children.
And maybe, sometimes, it is in the places where we stand out that His light can shine through the most clearly.
I am re-embracing that identity. It was never forgotten, only covered by other worries and overlooked because of misplaced hopes and fears. More than being unknown, or being known for something else, I would rather stand out for my faith. If I cannot be bold already because of a worldly desire to belong, how will I be bold about God?
Wherever I am, I want that to be my first identity. I do not want to define myself by other roles or traits or interests, or by specific languages or cultures, or as foreign or not foreign, but as a Christian.
~~~~~~~
Rebecca Lebens’s passport country is the US, but she has spent the last decade living from promise to promise, following God’s calling across ten different countries where she has worked as a teacher, studied languages, earned a master’s degree, and grew in her faith. Now she is using the knowledge she accumulated along the journey for her PhD research.
