I moved to Indonesia as a single female, and I am so grateful for my parents who supported me wholeheartedly as I left for the field. I remember a conversation with my mother in the kitchen a few weeks before I left for my first three-year term.
“How long do you think you will stay?” she asked as she plunged a dish into soapy water.
“I don’t know. Maybe twenty years?” I replied, while rinsing and drying the dish.
Now, as a mother myself, I can only imagine the inner turmoil I put my parents through. I can only begin to grasp a tiny picture of what her mother’s heart felt as I said those words so glibly. I did not really understand how hard it was (and would continue to be) to send one’s child to live across an ocean and twelve time zones away. And then I got married and had children and that was a whole new sacrifice I was asking of my parents: to live far away from their grandchildren.
I am the oldest child, and my children were the first grandchildren on my side of the family. My mother gave me very serious instructions when my first son was born: “You must speak to this child in English! I have to be able to communicate with my grandchildren!” (She was worried we would continue only using Bahasa Indonesia in the home.)
Fast forward eleven years, and now I can proudly say that my children do speak English (and Bahasa Indonesia). I can also say that we have learned a few tricks over the years to help our children know their grandparents across the miles. I am sure many of you reading this have your own great ideas of how to build (or maintain) a relationship while overseas. I hope you will share them in the comments!
A slight disclaimer: There are no “rules” about this; these are just things my family has tried over the years. These are shared not to make anyone feel guilty, but with the hope that these ideas could potentially be useful for someone reading this. Not only can they be used with grandparents, but also aunts, uncles, and good friends.
- Reading together. My family loves books, and I have read to my children since their infancy. My mom wanted to read to her grandchildren– and she did not let the fact that we lived in Indonesia get in her way. At first, we used good old-fashioned video calls (this was back in the days of Skype) and she would hold up the picture-book while reading it. This required a bit of juggling and patience to make sure the picture was in the right place on the screen, but my children had many hours of Oma time this way.
We have since appreciated the wonders of newer technology– using the application Caribu, which allows both parties to read books together, while seeing each others’ video. When we got tired of the book options on Caribu, we started subscribing to Epic! (a great resource that has thousands of educational books, videos, and audios) and screen-sharing with Oma and Opa so they could read them to our boys.
- Playing together. Children love games! There are many different ways to play games together online. One fairly new option is using FB messenger to play games while video-calling. GoFish, Mini-golf, and Exploding Kittens are some of the many options. We have found that it is helpful to make a weekly rhythm of once a week “Oma and Opa time.” Schedules can be so busy; it is great to have a set time to spend together.
- Celebrate important events together. My mom has always loved making birthdays a special time. The fact that we are not physically present does not have to stand in the way. For birthdays, she bakes cakes for her grandsons, and we video call and let the birthday boy “blow out the candle.” For Christmas, Easter, and other holidays we make sure to video call.
- Share your children’s growth together. Periodically, my parents ask for the heights of my boys. They can then mark it on a wall they have, to see how much they are growing. Of course, technology helps with sending photos and videos. School projects, school activities, and hobbies can also be documented. My boys like learning piano using the app Simply Piano, and the songs they play can easily be shared with Oma and Opa.
- Cherish the time we are together (in the same place). My parents vowed that they would see their grandchildren in person at least once a year. This has meant many long flights to Asia, facing jet lag and culture shock each time. I am so grateful for their sacrifice of time and money to make visiting us a priority. Although it is hard to be apart the majority of the time, when we are together the time is precious and full. My mom has used the image of “fasting and feasting.”
When it is our turn to visit the States, the months there do feel like feasting. Soaking in clean air, comfort foods, playgrounds, and grandparent time. Regardless of whatever month it is, my mom likes to include the boys in family traditions. Dying Easter Eggs, carving pumpkins, baking and decorating Christmas cookies— these have been known to happen at random months in our family.
As my children continue to grow up in Indonesia, I am very grateful for the love and support they have received from their grandparents in America. Honestly, they have a closer relationship with their Oma and Opa than I did growing up in the same country with my grandparents! While it is still difficult to be so many time zones apart, with creativity and determination it is very possible for TCKs to have a strong relationship with their grandparents.
Photo by Holly Landkammer on Unsplash
