Transition can be very challenging for all third culture kids. But for TCKs who are neurodiverse, it can be complicated and layered for the entire family. The changes in schedule, new routines, and unknown places can be incredibly difficult and upsetting for kids who need stability to thrive.
I remember when our family was sorting our things, putting things in piles, and deciding what needed to be thrown away, donated, stored, and what would travel with us while we raised funds. There were the decisions about what needed to be purchased, what sizes the girls might be at year three of our term, and what kitchen items and coffee supplies needed to get packed into tightly, well-thought out, fifty-pound bins.
In the midst of the decisions and sorting, it was time to begin the work on the girls’ rooms. I remember that it was painfully difficult and I didn’t quite understand why. At the time, I didn’t know that my girls were on the spectrum. I didn’t know anything about ADHD and autism and their deep love for collecting or their sweet connection to their own belongings. I just knew it seemed to be harder for my girls than for other families that I’d spoken to about the sorting and selling process. I knew my girls were struggling with letting go, and our garage sale felt traumatic for them in ways I didn’t expect or understand.
My girls sat in their room, surrounded by all of their stuffed animals. They had sorted them into family units that they’d created according to the different things they would play. They knew each one’s name, when they got it, and where it came from. Dolls, Barbies, Polly Pockets, and Build-a-Bears with clothes—it was all so special to them.
As an adult, I had to help them choose. We pain-stakingly, tearily made decisions about what would fly with us, what would get stored, and what could be sold or given away.
That emotional event was just one of many for our family. The journey overseas was just beginning. It would be many years, and many similar sorting times with similar decisions, before we would find out about their neurodiversity.
Even before a diagnosis, I knew that there were parts of being a TCK that were challenging for my girls in ways that seemed out of proportion or over-stimulating or more frustrating to navigate than I imagined.
Being a third culture family involves so much moving, selling everything multiple times, packing everything over and over, sleeping in new beds, searching through storage, living with family, staying in hotels, changing foods, and then, all the loss and grief processing.
If you break those things down for a neurodiverse family, each brings unique circumstances and complications. For kids who struggle with social interactions, all the new people and situations quickly become overwhelming. The extra communication challenges can make expressing needs and feelings quite difficult, especially when it involves new languages. Kids who have sensory processing differences might be hypersensitive to loud noise, bright lights, and smells. They can easily experience sensory overload that causes shutdowns and meltdowns. These kids can have challenges regulating their emotions, which can lead to outbursts.
Living life with constant change means lack of routine and unknown schedules. Quite often, children with neurodiversity experience a lot of stress when the bed isn’t exactly right or the food tastes different or a toy they expect to play with or a shirt they want isn’t in their suitcase or carry on. A late bedtime can cause complete lack of sleep for the whole family.
Behaviors that can help bring calm and lower stress can also be challenging. They need to move, fidget, make noises, play with things, understand their surroundings, and regulate themselves with repetitive behaviors. If you add challenges with focus, attention, or impulsiveness, it can be an ordeal to attend new churches, sit in meetings, wait in offices, or stand in lines for long periods of time.
As I lay out these many challenges for neurodiverse families, it can seem like a daunting task to ease the pressure or make this life of constant transition possible or sustainable.
Thankfully, there are things that you can set in place to prepare your kids for the changes and transitions. There are ways to allow them to flourish in the midst of the crazy schedules and unknown timelines and new situations.
Ways to Help TCKs in Transitions
1} Patience. This can mean you need to take a step back, take a breath, and allow yourself some space to evaluate your family’s specific needs. Be patient with yourself as the parent and with your kids who are navigating a lot of big things at the same time. Grace, patience, and a lot of real self-care and rest are essential.
2} Journal. Keep good records of the travels and places! Using something like this free family travel journal or something similar can be really helpful to build memories and to allow your kids to keep track of where they’ve been and where they’re going. For my girls, this helped them process and even feel like they were “collecting” their travels by keeping track of airports and countries and animals.
3} Parenting ahead. To the best of your ability, think ahead and plan ahead so that you can parent ahead. Quick changes can be debilitating for neurodiverse kids. Parenting ahead means walking through things with your kids before they happen. It means thinking through different scenarios or possibilities so that your kids feel as prepared as they can be for the next thing to come their way. This helps neurodivergent brains think ahead and prepare and process so that they aren’t caught off guard or feeling unsure without a way to tell you what they’re feeling or ask what they don’t know to ask. Practice border crossings and checkpoints. Practice alert words or code words that they can use for certain emotions or to express what they need if they shut down and lose words when they’re dysregulated. Practicing these things ahead of time helps them feel prepared and reminds you that your kids need a little extra help sometimes.
4} Make accommodations. You know your kids the best. Accommodate loud places with noise-canceling headphones. Bring their favorite blanket even if it’s bulky or inconvenient. Make sure they can get enough sleep by leaving an event early or allowing your kids to stay back at the hotel to rest. Accommodate their special needs without feeling guilty or embarrassed that they need a little extra help or time or space. Pack a bag with fidgets. Let them run.
5} Apply the red-yellow-green structure to your family and parenting decisions. This can be a great way to evaluate if something is a green light for your kids or if there are yellow warning signs about a situation or there are actual red flags that need to be paid attention to on behalf of your family. Neurodiversity requires this kind of information to navigate the many layers of what might work and what might not.
6} Say goodbye well. Build your family’s RAFT – reconciliation, affirmation, farewell, think destination – in ways that will help your kids say goodbye and transition well depending on their neurodiverse thinking and needs. This can mean visiting places and allowing them to collect rocks or shells or other souvenirs. It might be allowing them to help make decisions that kids might not normally care about or spending a lot of time parenting ahead for what is to come. Find a way to honor the goodbye that means something to your kids in their season of life and ability to participate in the experience. Remember, this can be overwhelming to the whole family and might be extra challenging, which requires planning and intentional moments.
7} Get creative. As in all neurodiverse parenting, get creative about the upcoming transitions. Create countdowns with posters on the wall or paper rings to count the days. Time can be very challenging for neurodiverse kids, so this can help them space out the days and not feel as much anxiety about an impending transition. Celebrate with favorite meals at home instead of out in a busy restaurant that might cause overstimulation or meltdowns. As national church leaders or people in your host country to come to your house rather than a village visit that could require hours of travel. Give your neurodiverse kids creative ways to navigate transition.
8} Build something constant. For me, this meant hauling a laundry basket of bedding so that when we arrived at a hotel, I could make the room look like home. It meant making sure that bedtime routines stayed basically the same wherever we were in the world. Build consistency and work for routine, even when it’s harder to establish in a lifestyle that’s shifting. Even if you can build constancy 50% of the time, that’s 50% of the time that has routine and planning. It will pay off when things don’t go as planned or there is a quick change. Making that happen a little less often will really help your kids adjust in new surroundings with new people.
9} Find support. This is so important. Have a place to vent, bounce ideas, plan, prepare, and help you think outside the box. This can be helpful if you’re schooling on the road, trying to get educational help, or figuring out a season of meltdowns and emotional dysregulation. Having someone who understands neurodiverse parenting and overseas life can be an important part of your overseas support base and team. Have a teacher whom you can call with questions. Ask a counselor or psychologist for advice specific to your kids and your family. Find a coach who can walk through the transitions with you. You need multiple avenues of support for your neurodiverse family to thrive.
10} It’s okay. It’s okay if you need to make some drastic changes for your family if this isn’t working. It’s okay if your kids need more than your host country can help them with. It’s really okay to make accommodations, do things differently, get your kids support, and learn new vocabulary for what your family experiences and why. It’s okay to be in a season that’s stressful and difficult and decide you need to take time to figure it out and get healthy. Give yourself permission to walk this out in a way that helps your family.
In the end, the most valuable tips for walking your kids through transition and helping them navigate changing seasons come from you as the parent. You know your kids, and God has planned your family dynamics. He’s equipped you to be the mom and dad who know these kids and, with His help, meet their very special needs.
For the aunts and uncles, teammates, and fellow workers who are reading this, God has also positioned you to support and help these families on your field and in your host country. You have the opportunity to come alongside them and make this work sustainable for their family.
With creativity, support, planning, and accommodations, neurodiverse families can thrive on the field. And with a little extra thought and understanding, neurodiverse third culture kids can love their overseas experience with fond memories and good experiences.
