Noticing unique differences in children is challenging for most parents. It’s common for parents to wonder if a behavior is just quirky or if there’s more to what they’re seeing, asking themselves, “Is this normal? Or not?”
For example, having a child with food or texture avoidance can be just a normal part of being a kid. Plenty of children struggle with the annoyance of a scratchy tag on their shirt or struggle with paying attention at school. Those things alone do not mean a sensory processing disorder or learning disability. Sometimes, it’s just part of being a kid.
For those living cross-culturally, it can be even more difficult to see, notice, and pinpoint the difference between “normal” and something that might tip the scale into neurodiversity. Because third culture families are moving around the world, going through the many stages of transition, and in new situations regularly, it can be hard to know if what you’re noticing is from the TCK life or if there is more involved.
TCKs endure such an intensity of life in every area that trying to analyze behavior or uniqueness is a huge task.
What is neurodiversity? How does it look in kids? What makes it a spectrum?
Simply put, neurodiversity, or the neurodiverse spectrum, is a biological brain difference. A neurodivergent brain functions and processes differently from what is considered “typical.” These differences include conditions like autism, ADHD, dyslexia, and sensory challenges. It can manifest differently from child to child, person to person.
The neurodiverse spectrum often shows up in difficulties with social situations, heightened sensory sensitivities, special interests, and challenges with learning. Children might not communicate well, struggle with eye contact, or have difficulties staying emotionally regulated. Neurodivergent kids tend to fidget and move, especially when nervous or anxious.
This combination of traits and signs can cause meltdowns, shutdowns, and plenty of exasperation and frustration.
Sensory overload, brought on by smells, lights, sounds, or textures, can be absolutely overwhelming.
Learning challenges and social challenges can make school or homework time incredibly hard.
Language comprehension difficulties, processing differences, repetitive behaviors, and trouble with reciprocal play or conversation can all combine to create potential indicators of neurodiversity.
Parents might notice patterns of clumsiness, lack of motor skills, restlessness, and anxiety about social situations.
Neurodivergent kids often need more quiet, peace, and time to concentrate on homework or other tasks. They might need more breaks, more routines, and more consideration that their peers do not seem to require.
These children might struggle with following voiced directions or remembering the order of tasks like math problems or chores.
Traditional methods of parenting, discipline, or motivating can be unhelpful. If demand avoidance is at play, it’s a whole different world than what would be typical for another parenting experience. What works for one family might not work for a neurodiverse family.
Because the spectrum is so vast and complex, parents might see an interesting combination of these challenges expressed in ways that are hard to articulate to teachers, family, or friends. For parents living and working overseas, these must then be communicated in another language, learning system, and culture.
Probably the biggest challenge for TCKs who might be neurodivergent is the difficulty with transition or change. Lack of schedules, routines, and a sense of normal can create chaos for kids who rely on those things to regulate emotions and situations for themselves.
Something as simple as a new bed to sleep in or car to drive in or restaurant to eat at can disrupt behavior for a few days. New foods, loud noises, dirty spaces, dusty conditions, strange smells, or bustling transportation can cause epic public meltdowns. A crowded mall or taxi or church can cause a shutdown that causes an inability to speak or ask for help.
Long travel days magnify stress, which magnifies emotional and behavioral symptoms that impact the whole family in ways that are powerful and intense.
Police checkpoints, visa offices, or other official requirements can create an eggshell effect for parents who need a neurodivergent child to behave in a certain way, at a certain time.
Neurodivergent kids will think differently and fight intrusive thoughts while battling impulse control deficits, all of which can create interesting scenarios and stressful moments for the whole family.
Their brains are different, creative, and full of outside-the-box ideas. Potentially, they’re also gifted with a high IQ and have the greatest solutions and problem-solving skills. The strengths of being neurodivergent are many—as are the challenges.
Neurodiversity can look different in girls and in boys. Girls tend to have more social strengths and less of the antsy tendencies of boys. Girls often have stronger communication skills and organizing abilities while being able to mask and pretend and mirror their peers in ways that boys find more difficult. Keep an open mind about what you might be seeing in your daughters or what might be different about your sons.
You might just be reading this, thinking, “That’s just my kid. They’re a little different.”
What can you do if you’re living overseas, parenting a TCK who might be different in ways that are neurodivergent?
1} Pay attention. As a parent, you see what most people don’t see in your kids. You know their behavior, patterns, and challenges. Start to pay attention and notice if something really is different. Your God-given intuition about your kids matters, especially in neurodivergence.
2} Get answers. In the past, the topic of diagnosing, labeling, and categorizing kids was looked down on and thought to be unhelpful or detrimental to children. But with new information, research, studies, and therapies, the diagnosis of autism or ADHD or high IQ (giftedness) can be extremely beneficial. Don’t fear the labels or the diagnosis. It is what gives your kids the accommodations and resources they need to thrive. The earlier you can get therapy and skills and accommodations for your children, the better off they will be in the long run!
3} Get help. To sort through the differences and challenges, you might need professional help. It will take testing that covers many areas and skills. Getting on a call with a trained neurodiverse coach or counselor can be a great first step. Ask questions about your unique parenting or family journey. Find out if what you’re noticing might be neurodiversity in your kids. If so, take the next step to find a diagnostic professional who can help. Start building your support team. (For more on this, read Building Your Healing Team.)
4} Stay transparent. These brain differences can be celebrated in ways that help your children see their gifts and understand their uniqueness. Being open with friends and family allows them to be who they are without fear of masking or pretending. Allow your team and your organization the chance to learn about neurodiversity with you so that your TCKs can express themselves with authenticity.
5} Look inward. Neurodiversity has an 80% heredity rate. That is high enough to warrant a look at you or grandparents or aunts and uncles. If it is in your children, it’s probably in the family, and it could be impacting your experience overseas. It also tends to have a very high impact on marriage and relationships. If you’re struggling, neurodiversity could be why! (For more on this, read When Neurodiversity Collides with Ministry and Missions.)
6} Get resourced. Here are just a few educational and professional resources that could help your family dive into your neurodiverse journey. There is help available around the world and, quite often, through a zoom call. Check out resources, do a web search, ask friends, and see what help is available for learning, growing, and skill-building. Build your support team.
Supporting Neurodivergent TCKs (from TCK Training)
Services in Asia for Family Education (SAFE)
SHARE Education Services
Neurodiversity Week at Global Trellis
Christian Neurodiverse Marriages
Jenilee Rachel Coaching
Hopefully these steps will get you started on noticing neurodiversity in third culture kids. Your situation today may feel challenging, but you’re not beyond help! Feel free to drop questions or comments below. I’d love to help you if I can.
Coming Soon: How to Help Neurodiverse TCKs in Transition
