by Ann Bowman
I knew my daughter was in for a life of adventure when she moved with her young family to a third world country. She and her husband serve as global medicine providers in the mountains of SE Asia. Not much surprised me—not even when I learned of the three-foot snake found coiled under their toilet seat one morning.
Videos of water buffalo passing their home and milk delivered by moped became ordinary as we communicated back and forth across the globe. I even received pictures of the day their family helped the neighbors plant rice in a flooded rice field.
When I travelled to their home, the grandchildren excitedly told me about the cat that jumped on their beds in the middle of the night. Only—they didn’t own a cat. My daughter explained that their Asian home was not airtight. They would often notice several rodents running through the house. Later a cat would show up, and voila, the rodents would be gone. Then the kids’ “new” pet cat would move on as well.
My biggest surprises were during their furloughs. The children had moved overseas at such a young age that they didn’t remember life in the US. Their first language was not English. I was perplexed by their behavior, and they seemed to be just as baffled by life in America. They were no longer American children—they were Third Culture Kids.
My daughter first taught me about the concept of TCKs after she and her husband finished their missions training. I thought I knew all about raising kids, so I didn’t pay much attention, but I was not prepared for my returning grandchildren to seem like strangers.
My three-year-old grandson woke in the night when they first arrived and searched my house for the closest thing to a squatty potty. He succeeded. I’ll let your imagination do the rest.
Coming from a land which used mostly mopeds, our busy streets full of cars were a curiosity. One day we were first in line at a train crossing. The kids went crazy and asked to get out of their seatbelts. They pressed forward, craning their necks at the crossing arms and lights and clanging bells—not to mention the graffiti.
When I asked the oldest what she found to be the most unusual thing in America, she said it was traffic lights. “They are a good idea, though. We just don’t have cars where we live.”
Visiting American churches was stressful after the kids only experienced home church or small Asian churches. The bright stage lights, loud music, and being in a room with more people than they’d ever seen in one place was disturbing to the point of producing panic attacks in my oldest granddaughter.
The younger ones didn’t always fit in at Sunday school. Besides the language barrier, they had trouble following all of the rules and making friends. Sometimes they cried, overwhelmed with too much change. They did not like attention being drawn to them or being asked to speak in their Asian language in front of the class.
The youth group for the older girls left them feeling like the odd ones out. They did not dress or talk like the others, and they missed many of the social cues. One of the girls would get mad when she didn’t understand idioms or slang terms. She often thought she was being made fun of.
Another time a grandchild was able to take a gymnastics class. Each week after class, she got into the car in tears, saying that the teacher didn’t like her. Finally one week I stayed to watch her class and observe her interactions with her American gymnastics instructor.
In the school classrooms in their Asian home, strict teacher/student rules required that a student stand with hands behind their back and eyes to the ground when the teacher spoke to them. Just as my granddaughter had been taught, she looked at the ground when being addressed during class. The teacher was perturbed, believing that my granddaughter was being disrespectful because she didn’t look at her when receiving instructions.
I realized that I needed to do my homework on TCKs. I went to the website TCKTraining.com and began learning what to expect when visiting with my grandchildren. I read the book: Raising Up a Generation of Healthy Third Culture Kids: A Practical Guide to Preventive Care. It was essential to gain a new context for viewing my grands and to help me stop judging them.
When they get upset during trips to the States, I listen and validate their feelings. Their emotional triggers are different from children raised in America and more frequent when they are on this side of the world. I can expect messy meltdowns. With preschoolers up through teenaged grandchildren, those triggers are different according to their age.
I encourage sending churches to have training among those who deal with the missionary kids. Instead of flagging them as ill-behaved or misfits, support people can learn what they need. Missionaries home on leave are juggling speaking engagements, fundraising, and caring for their emotionally distressed children. They don’t need to have the extra burden of being told that their children are rude or out of control.
I am a Nonna-to-TCKs in progress. On each furlough, new situations arise as my grandchildren grow. The most important lesson is that I do not try to force them into the American mold—not in my mental expectations or my words to them. Instead, I celebrate who they have become as children whose home is not America.
Every day I am learning not the disadvantages of what they may have missed by not growing up in the States, but the beautiful strengths and qualities they have gained by being children from across the world. I can’t wait to see the amazing adults they will become.
Read Ann’s new book, I Never Signed Up for This: One Mother’s Journey to Surrender Her Children to Their Calling.
Listen to this conversation between Ann and Tori Haverkamp (author of The Missionary Mama’s Survival Guide: Compassionate Help for the Mothers of Cross-cultural Workers).
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ann Bowman is passionate about serving the body of Christ. Over the years she has spoken at women’s events, taught women’s Bible studies, and written articles for various magazines and blogs. With two daughters serving globally, Ann draws from that experience to mentor young women serving in missions through Thrive Ministry. She also earned her certification as a TCK debriefer through TCK Training. Ann and her husband reside in Texas. Together they raised four adventurous children who now live across the globe.
