by Shiyani Refuge
When my husband Ben and I got married in 2009, we thought we had a pretty good understanding of each other. We had met in Sri Lanka, attended the same church, shared similar values, and deeply loved God. What we didn’t fully realise at the time was that we were also bringing two very different cultural worlds into our marriage.
I was born and raised in Sri Lanka. Ben, though originally from the UK, grew up in India as a third culture kid. Between us, we carried layers of cultural influence—ways of communicating, expectations about family, unspoken assumptions about gender roles, conflict, time, and even what it meant to express affection.
For the first year of our marriage, we moved to the Middle East, and shortly after, we settled in the UK, where we have spent most of our married life and had our two children. Recently, we made another big transition—moving back to Sri Lanka as a family. Each of these moves brought new cultural adjustments, not just externally, but within our marriage.
And if we’re honest, some of our biggest challenges weren’t about where we lived geographically but about how well we understood each other.
Every marriage has differences. But in a cross-cultural marriage, those differences can be starker because they are buried under layers of deep-rooted cultural values that shape how we think, how we feel, and how we respond.
For example, early in our marriage, Ben felt hurt when I addressed issues about him extremely directly! To me, this was normal—honest, concise communication which, within a typical Sri Lankan family context, is very common. To Ben, it felt abrupt and insensitive.
On the other hand, Ben’s tendency to avoid confrontation (beating around the bush in a typical British kind of way!) left me feeling like he wasn’t making an effort, and I felt disconnected. That’s one of the first lessons we’ve learned: many conflicts in cross-cultural marriages are not about being right or wrong—but about needing a deeper understanding of each other.
Going Back to the Origin
One of the most grounding truths we’ve learnt to hold onto is this: Marriage is God’s idea.
Before we try to fix or correct the “differences” in each other, we have to understand the original purpose of marriage itself. It’s not just about compatibility or happiness—it’s a covenant where two become one. Not by erasing differences, but by learning to honour and love each other through them. In cross-cultural marriages, this becomes even more important as we are constantly navigating differences—not just internally, but often externally through extended family, community expectations, and social norms.
Having a shared foundation of God’s view of marriage gives us both something steady to return to when everything else feels uncertain or chaotic.
A turning point in our marriage came when we learned the value of vulnerability within our marriage — not just emotionally, but culturally. Instead of assuming, we started asking questions when differences in perspectives came to the surface. Simple questions like “Why is this important to you?” or “What feels uncomfortable about this for you?”
These conversations weren’t always easy, but it is amazing how taking the time to ask and listen to simple questions can reveal hidden layers of misalignment in each of us and instead of these becoming points of conflict, they are transformed into closer connection. Vulnerability creates safety. And safety allows both partners to bring their full identity into the marriage—culture included.
No Culture is Perfect
Here’s something else we have discovered together in our cross-cultural marriage. Not everything we inherited from our cultures was healthy for us! Some of our reactions were shaped by past experiences, family dynamics, or cultural norms, and to be honest, until these caused an issue for us or for a person we love, we wouldn’t bother addressing them.
But we both have seen how our own cultural baggage can harm our relationship. There were (and still are) moments when small issues can trigger bigger emotional responses. The habit we have both had to be intentional about when these occur is to pause and ask, “where is this really coming from?”, because cross-cultural marriage has a way of exposing these hidden layers. Instead of ignoring them, we must take ownership. That means acknowledging wounds, unlearning certain patterns, and choosing a better way forward—together. None of us need to stay a victim of our past experiences or negative aspects of our own cultures.
If there’s one skill that has been a helpful tool for our marriage, it’s learning to communicate our needs clearly—and kindly.
In some cultures, needs are expressed openly. In others, they are implied or expected to be understood without words. When those two styles collide, it can lead to disappointment, resentment and disconnection. It sounds simple, but clear (and kind) communication of our needs takes practice—especially when it feels unnatural, but the result is a strengthened bond between us.
Like all other couples, there have been seasons in our marriage where we felt like we were just getting through—navigating differences, adjusting to new environments, managing family life. But coming back to that original purpose of marriage, it was never meant to just be “endured”, it is meant for enjoyment and to thrive.
When we hit these dry spots in our marriage, we remind ourselves to laugh at our cultural misunderstandings instead of fight about them. We intentionally create new traditions that reflect both our backgrounds rather than only choosing one cultural perspective over another, and we choose connection even when it requires extra effort. Joy in marriage doesn’t happen by accident; it’s something we must intentionally build into our relationships.
Even now, after seventeen years of marriage, new situations reveal new differences. Moving back to Sri Lanka has been a fresh experience of navigating identity—as individuals, as a couple, and as a family. But we now view our cross-cultural marriage as a gift instead of a disadvantage. Yes, it requires more intentionality. Yes, it can be challenging. But it also offers a richness, depth, and perspective that can shape a marriage in beautiful ways.
We recently launched our Cross-Cultural marriage course, Two Cultures One Heart, which aims to strengthen marriages and aim for joy. You can find out more information at www.fieldpartner.org and use the voucher code LIFEOVERSEAS to get 25% off the course fee!
Anyone signed up to the course is also welcome to join our online group cohort where you will have a chance to meet other cross-cultural couples as we go through the course together, running weekly with Shiyani and me from 15th May for 5 weeks. Contact us at ask@fieldpartner.org for more details.
Because two cultures don’t have to compete in a marriage. They can come together to create something entirely unique and beautiful.
~~~~~~~~
Shiyani Refuge is from Sri Lanka, where her family has a long ministry history. Her husband, Ben Gilbert, grew up as a missionary kid in India and later moved to Sri Lanka, where he met Shiyani. They have been married for seventeen years and have two young children. Ben is currently the Head of Training for FieldPartner International, with Shiyani heading up the marketing department. They are passionate about helping cross-cultural marriages to thrive.
