When diving into the topic of neurodiversity, it can be complicated to navigate all the different ways it can show up in your children, your family, or your marriage. The more we learn about neuroscience and brain biology, the more evidence we have that adults and children alike are on the neurodiverse spectrum, and the impact carries through life.
Neurodiversity in adults can be fun and quirky from the outside, but the internal and relational challenges of neurodiversity can be magnified by the stress, transition, work load, sensory differences, and social needs of being in global work.
Simply stated, neurodiversity is a biological brain difference. A neurodivergent brain functions and processes differently from what is considered “typical.” These differences include conditions like autism, ADHD, and learning disabilities, as well as slow processing, auditory processing disorder, and sensory challenges.
In my previous article about noticing neurodiversity in TCKs, I mentioned the process of looking inward because this does not just impact children. I wrote, “Neurodiversity has an 80% heredity rate. That is high enough to warrant a look at you or grandparents or aunts and uncles. If it is in your children, it’s probably in the family, and it could be impacting your experience overseas. It also tends to have a very high impact on marriage and relationships. If you’re struggling, neurodiversity could be why!”
I want to dive more into the relational impact and how, if present as an adult, it could be affecting your friendships, work relationships, and even your marriage.
Just as there are ways to help your TCKs with neurodiversity, there are ways to help adults who are on the spectrum. But first, neurodiversity in an adult must be acknowledged and noticed.
What can this look like for adults?
For adults, neurodiversity looks like challenges with emotional connection, executive function deficits, missing social cues, and differences in communication. There can be challenges in showing empathy, difficulty completing tasks, emotional regulation problems, and heightened sensory responses that make daily life confusing and disorganized.
There may be special interests, hobbies, and a deep, hyperfocus on specific things that may look like hours spent researching, complete loss of time doing an activity, or incredible knowledge about certain topics that often do not reflect the actual requirements for work, tasks, or needs of life and family.
When neurodiversity is unsupported, unknown, and undiagnosed in adults, there can be increased instances of burnout, anxiety and depression, especially in global work. Lack of motivation, which doesn’t always match the intense focus of other activities, can make life very difficult to manage.
For these adults, there can be a relational, emotional disconnect that often presents with selfishness, entitlement, anger, criticism, and many levels of frustration for all involved.
Neurodiversity in Marriage
The levels of frustration grow for those in close, intimate relationships with the neurodiverse person because there doesn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason to the varied interactions or conversations. There is an ebb and flow of energy, up and down emotions, black-and-white thinking that feels critical and judgemental, and higher rates of conflict that can be overwhelming.
This dynamic can be especially lonely, frustrating, and harmful when the confusion, dysregulation, critical questioning, and crazy-making behavior happens during meltdowns or shutdowns at home but isn’t seen by others. The neurodiverse person can hold it together, masking and mirroring in public, but then unload the impact behind closed doors with their spouse or children receiving the consequences.
These consequences can be obsessive-compulsive behavior, shutting down, impulsivity, anxiety-inducing actions or words. There might be passive-aggressive communication, or loud and angry meltdowns requiring help to regulate or calm. This behavior can even escalate into physical, verbal, or emotional abuse of others.
Often, this roller coaster of intensity will leave a much greater amount of responsibility, adulting, parenting, social pressure, and executive functioning on the neurotypical spouse. This unbalanced mental load can be heavy and harmful to carry and has a direct connection to the longevity of marriage.
Why is this important?
Because of the negative impact it can have when undiagnosed, it is vital that we start to notice, pay attention, listen, and accept neurodiversity in ourselves or our marriage.
Trying to struggle through on your own, whether you see it in yourself or in your spouse, is not sustainable or helpful. Leaving this unnoticed can be the reasons behind marriage struggles, ministry challenges, personnel conflict, and unhealthy team relationships.
Being an adult on the neurodiverse spectrum presents social, emotional, and relational needs that often require support to work, be equipped, and participate in overseas work in healthy ways.
As more information comes about the topic of neurodiversity and as organizations begin to better understand the depth of impact on families and marriages, I believe many of the harmful dynamics can change, burnout can decrease, accommodations can be made, and neurodiverse people can thrive in global work.
Together, as a global community, we can notice, help, support, and accommodate families and marriages on the field.
Neurodiverse Marriage Resources:
Global Trellis Neurodiversity Week
Christian Neurodiverse Couples – Uniquely Us Book
Leslie Vernick Podcast Episode on Neurodivergence
When Neurodiversity Collides with Ministry and Missions
