Shut up!
After raising five children, it’s hard for me to even type those words, much less say them out loud. Telling someone to “Shut up!” was an extreme offense in our family’s younger days. My wife reminds me of the time our pastor said the phrase from the pulpit while quoting someone in a story he was telling. Our children turned to us wide-eyed. “We’ll talk about it later,” she whispered to them.
Even now, the taboo still sticks with me.
While not as rude, there are other words in the English language used to get people to quit talking. “Stop!” we say, or “Be quiet!” “Hush!” “Pipe down!” “That’s enough!” “Shush!” “Shhh!” “Put a sock in it!” or “Talk to the hand!” (remember that one?). The vocabulary may be different, but the gist is the same.
In the church, in ministry, in work, in life, there are those who would tell us to stop talking when our words are inconvenient or troublesome. In my interview with Silas West from a few months ago, he speaks about this silencing of those who report spiritual abuse:
“What I frequently see,” he says, “is a concerted effort to silence the problem in order to get on to business as usual—but the problem that is getting silenced is the victim, not the abuser or the abusive culture.”
All of us long to be heard, but we don’t always want to listen. In the church community we have come up with some words and phrases that we use to keep others quiet. They’re things we should be cautious of when we hear them, and we should be careful when we consider saying them ourselves. Here are a few:
Gossip
This is one that A Life Overseas‘ Jonathan Trotter points out in Serving Well: Help for the Wannabe, Newbie, or Weary Cross-cultural Christian Worker, in the chapter “Four Tools of Spiritual Manipulators.” “Manipulators,” he writes, “will use a w i d e definition of gossip—and apply it liberally” to any kind of “negative talk.” After pointing out the sinfulness of gossip, “they magically remove their own responsibility to deal with the truth.”
“Be aware that despite all the preaching and teaching on gossip, a concrete definition will be absent,” he says.
But what happens when a concrete definition is present? Well, even then it depends on what it is and how it’s used. When you hear someone defining and condemning gossip, ask yourself what their motivation is. Is it correcting detrimental behaviors and guiding others to address problems in a better way? Or is it exerting control, shaping the narrative, and making sure that only those in leadership are allowed to discuss difficult issues? Is it being used by those in power to protect themselves and a broken status quo?
The best definitions I’ve heard of gossip* deal with the attitude and intent of the “gossiper.” I think we should use the same test for the ones applying the label.
Matthew 18
Jesus teaches on a number of topics in the 18th chapter of Matthew, but “Matthew 18” is often shorthand for Jesus’ teaching on how to handle a fellow Christian who has committed a sin. First, Jesus says, go to the person one-on-one. If the person doesn’t listen and repent, take one or two others with you. If that doesn’t work, tell the church.
Jesus gives this direction to show us how to deal with sin at progressive levels, with the aim of restoring our brothers and sisters. It should not be flipped on its head and enforced against an accuser to let abuse continue in the shadows.
Not all complaints involve confronting sin, and not all sins can be easily confronted alone, face-to-face—such as when an abuser holds complete authority over the other person or when there is danger in approaching an abuser in private. Also, in cases of abuse, having an individual listen to you and admit their wrong won’t be enough to rectify the situation, especially when others are being harmed or are at risk.
But that doesn’t stop some people from saying that if you don’t follow Matthew 18 to the letter, your accusations are invalid. Transgressions should not be allowed to continue simply because they were reported in the “wrong” way.
Root of bitterness
Hebrews 12:15 says, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (NIV).
Hebrews’ “bitter root” (or “root of bitterness,” as in some translations) harkens back to Deuteronomy 29:18, where we read, “Make sure there is no man or woman, clan or tribe among you today whose heart turns away from the Lord our God to go and worship the gods of those nations; make sure there is no root among you that produces such bitter poison” (NIV).
While this speaks of the bitter (or poisonous) root as one or more people who lead others astray, today we often hear it applied to “bitterness” fostered in ones heart, an anger that one refuses to release. In this way, root of bitterness can become another label that shuts down discourse. “You need to forgive and forget,” they say. “You need to let go of your grudge.” “You need to quit living in the past and move on.” “You need to kill the bitter root inside of you.”
Yes, there are passages in the Bible that warn against resentful and unforgiving attitudes, but I don’t think that’s the focus of this one. And yet it is so easily applied to quickly silence, and shift blame to, the accuser.
Protect the work
When abuse, or another wrong, is threatened to be exposed, there may be those who want to cover it up for the sake of the ministry. “If this gets out, ” they will say, “we’ll all be sent home. That’s what the enemy wants, and what will happen to God’s work then?”
And if the work is successful, the voices may deny the accusations on the grounds that the methods or workers can’t be bad or God wouldn’t be blessing them. But the enemy is present in the sin and the coverup. The Spirit is present in bringing the truth to light so that repentance and healing can occur. God’s work can handle the exposing of sin. Exposing sin is part of God’s work.
To be clear, there is danger in ignoring any of the instructions referenced above. Gossip (as presented in the Bible) is wrong, Matthew 18 should be followed, bitterness should be guarded against, and good work is worth protecting. But when someone uses such words as wholesale labels to quickly shut down any unwanted complaints, that is a misuse of them for one’s own ends.
I’ve presented the above examples of what abuse victims should not accept as reasons for being silenced. Now I’d like to shift gears somewhat and talk about some more-benign phrases that I often hear that are more broadly used by those in leadership. If you’re a leader, please be careful if you find these part of your vocabulary. What you’re wanting to say may not be what is received by those you’re saying it to.
I don’t do drama
“I don’t do drama” can sound a lot like “I don’t do people.” Off-the-shelf people typically come with issues and conflicts and problems. Issues and conflicts and problems are sometimes difficult to deal with, but that’s part of what leadership is about. It’s not just taking care of the work, it’s also taking care of the people doing the work. While over-the-top theatrics should be minimized, drama should not be invoked to dismiss and belittle those with struggles and complaints.
Stop the complaints
I’m glad that my doctor doesn’t chide me for my complaining. Instead, she types into her notes something like, “Patient complained of a sore throat,” not “Ahhh, this time it’s throat pain. Every time it’s complaining, complaining, complaining!” No, our coworkers aren’t our patients, but we should be attentive to the problems they bring up. If all someone does is complain, then that attitude can be addressed, but it’s not sufficient to say that complaining in and of itself is wrong. I’ve been in several situations where we’ve discussed giving people a forum to voice their opinions, and someone will say, “We don’t want it to be all complaining and have it turn into a gripe session.” My thought is that if there’s that much to complain about, we probably need a gripe session. The focus should be on finding ways to remedy the problems, rather than on labeling, and condemning, the way the messages are being delivered.
Don’t bring me problems without solutions
Again, I’m glad this isn’t in my doctor’s repertoire of phrases. When someone is in over their head, they’re often not equipped to know how to dig their way out. Maybe those higher up, with more experience and wisdom, know the answer. Maybe collaboration can lead to a fix. Maybe just talking through it will help sort it out. Some issues should be figured out independently, but telling someone to solve everything on their own will lead to isolation, distrust, and frustration.
I want results, not excuses
Excuses is another word we redefine to end discussion. But one person’s excuse is another person’s legitimate reason for not being able to get something done. Excuses aren’t always valid, but often they are. And we won’t be able to determine that unless we listen.
Yes, listen—as in being quick to listen, à la James 1:19. When I hear West say that abusive cultures don’t want to listen but instead want to silence victims and get back to “business as usual,” I think of the song title “Shut Up and Dance.” Some ministry or workplace cultures could adopt that as their mantra. In that case, the tune for the dance is set by unhealthy systems.
When we listen to each other, though, even to things that are uncomfortable or worrying, we can work together to hear God through each other’s voices. In that way, we can get in step with God’s beautiful melody, as messy as it may be to get there. And that’s a song worth dancing to.
*Gossip is a word that’s easier to apply than it is to define. It’s originally from the Old English godsibb, which means “a kinsman in the Lord,” or “godparent.” Later, it came to mean someone who reveals intimate or personal details of a closely related friend or relative. Biblical usage expands on that meaning, and translations of the Bible interchange gossip with words such as whisperer, scandal monger, talebearer, and slanderer.
[photo: “shh!” by Ann, used under a Creative Commons license]
