college – A Life Overseas |

Dear TCK College Student: Take Care of Your Nervous System

by Aylin Merck

Dear College-Bound TCK,

Twenty-four years ago, I was right where you are now. I landed in Ohio for the first time as a cross cultural kid (CCK). While I was born in the Dominican Republic, my father is full-blooded Palestinian, and that deeply shaped my family’s culture, values, and sense of identity as well as my own. I had meaningfully interacted with both Dominican and Arab cultures all of my life. Coming to the States as an international student in those formative years changed my sense of identity even more.

That move to Ohio would become the first of many cross-cultural moves. Since then, I have moved back and forth from the States and the DR several times and lived in a couple of countries in the Middle East. In many ways, I am an adult TCK and am now also the delighted and grateful mother of three TCKs.

You may be tired of hearing about the TCK/MK identity. You may know that you are so much more than a TCK. You may be deeply rooted in the sense that you are ultimately and foundationally made in the image of God and that is what matters most about you.

I want to honor that. I am aware that you have a distinct story, which may include some aspects of the TCK experience and not others. There are opportunities and challenges that will be very similar for everyone starting alongside you as a freshman. At the same time, there are opportunities and challenges that may be unique to you as you transition to life in the States. I want to offer tools to help you flourish in this season as a human remade in the image of Christ.

Something that has become precious to me in all my comings and goings is that as we cross the transition bridge and begin a new normal, we don’t leave belonging behind. Belonging is a new creation birthright that we carry with us even as it is also a gift we offer to others. It is because belonging is a gift we have been given that it also becomes something we steward.

To be able to belong, then, we need to begin by stewarding who we are and how we face life. I want to share with you some things I have learned about belonging as stewardship and about the opportunities that come with each transition.

Steward Who You Are

While we don’t ultimately belong to ourselves but to our Father who made us and to Christ who gave His life to free us from brokenness and from the stranglehold of our enemy, we do have a sense of ownership, agency, and autonomy that God has given us to steward. God calls us by name, gives us specific gifts, skills, and a particular story. When He redeems us, and when we live by faith through Christ, we also somehow become more fully ourselves when we own who we are and use our agency to use the gifts and skills we have been given.

The opportunity with this new transition is that you get to know yourself better and get to live from the heart that Jesus gave you. You can choose what you value and live in light of that.

There is a lot that has been chosen for you throughout your life — places to live, teams to be a part of, friends that become like family. But now you are here, and you probably get to have more agency than any other time in your life.

Over the next few years, practice compassion and curiosity about the things that you are drawn to and the ones you are not. As you get to know others and their cultures, some things will change about you. You will become swirly. Some values will change. Some expressions of what you value will change.

TCKs (and ATCKs) tend to be chameleons. We develop skills of observation and adaptation because we need to learn to belong. In her book, Incredible Lives and the Courage to Live Them, Rachel Cason writes,

A chameleon is more than a colour changer — it is also the supreme watcher. Eyes spinning in opposite directions, it has 360-degree vision. So do we, hyperaware as we are of all the various interest groups surrounding us. We spin, scoping out the opinions, the demands, the competing expectations of both individuals and groups, trying to find one we can home in on: one set of expectations we can camouflage to, adapt to, belong to. We spin, seeking acceptance. . . . After all, successful adaptation is successful living — surely?

But, is it? Yes, our adaptations are skillful. They keep us able to move between different worlds But often behind our spinning eyes there is fear. That kind of adaptation doesn’t necessarily take into account that chameleons also have legs and can move to the environments they best thrive in. As adults now, you have a sense of agency you didn’t have when you were a kid. And even when you make mistakes, you have the opportunity to practice discernment and wisdom and make choices that honor not only the Lord, but also your own integrity.

I have a friend who moved from the Middle East to the Midwest a few years ago to go to college. I told her I was thinking about this article and asked her what things she had learned that would be helpful to keep in mind to share with you. She said something to the effect of,

I think that you have to learn to accept that you are living in a transitionary period. You have to be mindful when you jump head on to things like how we TCKs do. Often TCKs jump into the deep end of things, and it’s okay to let go of things if you realize they are not helping you. TCKs often have transition thrust on us (people leaving/moving) but sometimes we have to be okay realizing something isn’t for us and being OK with bringing that change on ourselves. Sometimes we jump into things and they end up being unhealthy, and it’s okay to move on and not have certain people in your life. The idea of leaving someone/something else can be very jarring, and you feel like you need to stay committed to place/situations/people to belong, but integrity is key.

She went on to say,

I just had to realize that I would rather have no friends than have friends who treated me like that, and as soon as I did, I was able to make those good friends because I finally had the space and energy to.

Steward Your Responses to Life’s Challenges and Opportunities

A year after we first moved overseas, our family went to Colorado for a cross-cultural training. One of the exercises was called, “What are your true colors?” We went through a drill, practicing who we are under stress. In a very claustrophobic space, I ended up having a panic attack, and felt so much shame for years after that. I felt like my true colors had been revealed – my narrative was “I have a weak faith.”

But since then, I have learned so much about the way God wired our brains and nervous systems. So much about our response under stress has to do with the circumstances that have shaped our nervous system and what our brain interprets as a threat.

When we go through transition and change, our body’s response to stress is not immediately evidence of where our spiritual strength is. It has a lot more to do with our nervous system’s capacity. So as you go through the next few months, get curious and compassionate about your responses.

Do you find yourself in situations

Feeling suddenly antsy?
Racing/abnormally beating heart?
Sweating?
Dissociating (like you’re outside of your body)?
Feeling emotionally numb or shut down?
Seeing stars/feeling like you’re going to pass out?
Feeling sick to your stomach?
Uncontrollable emotional responses such as rage or intense sobbing?
Any thoughts of self-harm or suicide?
Feelings of panic?

If you experience these, it means that something is more than your brain and nervous system can handle at the moment. This doesn’t mean that you have a weak faith, that you’re not cut out for this, or that there is something wrong with you. It just means that your nervous system needs care, and it needs to know you are paying attention and that you will communicate safety to your body so it can regulate and your window of tolerance has shrunk.

The window of tolerance is that space where we can think clearly and feel our feelings at the same time. Within our window of tolerance we are consciously living from our Spirit-led self. So, when your body is sending you the signals I mentioned earlier, we want to regulate our nervous system, so we can be in that space of both thinking clearly and feeling our feelings. It is that space where we are human-sized.

Here are some things you can do regulate your nervous system and help increase your window of tolerance:

Take a break
Drink water
Go for a walk
Take a shower (preferably a cold one)
Wrap yourself tightly in a blanket
Go outside barefoot
Do some tapping
Breathe in for 5 seconds and out for 8 seconds
Drink chamomile/lavender tea
Call a good and safe friend

Maybe you are surprised by the turn that this article has taken. You may not be used to thinking about belonging as something that has anything to do with self-leadership and stewardship. And while belonging is more than this, it starts here. It starts with you knowing and owning who the Lord has made you, living with integrity in light of that, and learning how to steward your body and the impact of the life God has called you, so that you can live with the values that make you you.

I hope this college transition is filled with tangible expressions of the presence of God offering you His deep belonging. Resting in His love, may you experience deep safety and a joyful sense of knowing who you are.

With you on this journey,
Aylin

~~~~~~~

Aylin Merck is a soulful and contemplative human who lets those traits color everything she does as a wife, mama, writer, coach, and soul care and trauma care provider. A Dominican-Palestinian, Aylin holds a rich cross-cultural perspective, having not only immigrated to the US but also lived in the Middle East with her husband and family for almost ten years. Expat life in many ways fits her like a glove. She thrives in collaboration and mutual partnerships, in companioning others in their healing journeys and in experiencing friendship with the Triune God through Jesus Christ. Her soul grows three sizes whenever she gets to read by a lake, savor laughter and heart-to-heart conversations with kindred friends, and listen to rain with a Highlander Grogg latte at hand. You can find Aylin on Substack.

Co-Grieving Loss with Your Repatriated TCK

We didn’t have words for TCK loss back then. Not when I left Cameroon at nineteen and stepped onto U.S. soil as a stranger to my own country. But just because there weren’t words doesn’t mean the ache of loss didn’t burrow deep. Nineteen and newly repatriated felt like drowning in a sea of people who looked like me and talked like me but didn’t know the red-earth-Africa that shaped me.

I hardly recognized the girl I became in the wake of losing Cameroon, my best friends, and everything that felt familiar. That season was one of the hardest – and one of the unhealthiest – of my life.

Now, after the years have fast forwarded to an empty nest, I find myself looking back, not just at my own story but at theirs. I think of my children, my third culture kids, who built rich and beautiful lives on South African soil, their home. How will they handle letting go? How will they carry the weight of leaving behind the people and places that shaped them?

When I saw Megan Norton’s invitation to write a letter to my recently repatriated TCKs for her upcoming book, Letters Now Sent, I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I know the grief of leaving a place that tattoos an indelible mark on your soul. As their mother and as a TCK myself, I want to co-grieve their losses of saying goodbye to a life they loved in South Africa. And I know where I want them to root themselves now, as they step into adulthood in the U.S.

This letter is a new beginning with new language for parents of TCKs. It is my way of opening the door to a safe and sacred conversation with my young adult children—one established in love, shared understanding, and the kind of hope that reroots through the cracks of even the hardest losses. While their reactions to my letter are deeply personal and honey to my heart, I can tell you that this budding conversation was met with warm reciprocity and open arms.

A letter to Elaina and Sawyer Danforth, 2025 (republished at A Life Overseas with permission)

My two dearest toasted marshmallows,

You are eighteen and nineteen now. University carries a steep learning curve for everyone, but especially for the ones like you who left home, country, and friends to be grafted back to the place of your heritage.

As second-generation TCKs, you belong to a tribe that your father and I know well. Your childhood was formed in the womb of the cradle of humankind, in KwaZulu-Natal, and it ended abruptly on the other side of a plane ride to the United States. But the things that formed you there still sing in every crevice of your mind and shape the way you see the world.

Repatriation is a season when the losses of the familiar sink in hard for TCKs. And these are the years when you become aware of your roots, the ones that have been transplanted to new soils and now feel wildly distinct and out of place. The places of your childhood are the places where your formative and deepest roots grow. And the soil of South Africa no longer surrounds or supports you.

You’ll remember from working on our farm that a transplanted plant often wilts for a while. It is learning to survive in a new and unfamiliar environment. Its roots aren’t sure what to make of its new home. They don’t know whether they can unfurl and take new life or whether the newness will be hostile to growth. Repatriating TCKs are the same.

While my roots in South Africa will never be as deeply formative as yours, I am here to co-grieve your losses with you. I did the same as a nineteen-year-old with my Cameroonian roots. And your father did too, at eighteen with his Congolese and Central African roots.

Some losses are obvious. Our imperfectly perfect little farmhouse and the stability of its cracked walls. The foamy blueness of whales flirting between the horizon and the Indian Ocean. The oneness of our multicultural, multi-lingual farm family. The wind-whipped cheeks from four-wheeling wild past giraffes. The saggy eyes after Minecraft all-nighters with friends. The laughter with your non-blood sisters farmsteading in the mountains. The crispy-edged pancakes hot off the griddle every Saturday morning. The seasonal ebb and flow of subtropical downpours and droughts.

But some losses are hidden. Some, you won’t even know you miss until you come across them years later. And you’ll be caught off guard by a sudden feeling of home. Hidden losses are the sounds, smells, and invisible things that God sprinkled into the backdrop of your childhood. They are the things that you didn’t even know weren’t everywhere on planet earth. Until they weren’t.

Your hidden losses don’t have to make sense to anyone else. They don’t even have to be pleasant. But something about these background sounds and smells had a profound impact on developing the unseen part of who you are today. And we honor those gifts by naming them.

The background sound of your childhood is the cry of hadedas filling pink southern skies and beckoning your sleepy eyes open. You didn’t even know the sound was missing until that first morning in a Midwest dormroom when the synthetic shock of an alarm clock demanded your attention.

It is the faithful singsong Xhosa greeting “Molweni” on your proud farm stoep. It is the mourning doves telling each other off gently and sternly. It is the inexplicable peace of violent rains threatening to crash right through tôle roofs. It is the baying of hounds, whether to threaten skelems or to give chase to dassies, outside your burglar-barred window.

It is the South African flavor in which people have always said your name. It is the twisted, segregated history healing in real time through the harmony of church songs in English, Afrikaans, and Zulu. It is the comfort of our family’s age-old call to meals that reaches back to the recesses of your first independently held spoon, “On va prier.”

The background smell embedded in the roots of your childhood is a eucalyptus flame licking Karoo lamb ribs on the braai. It is soft buttermilk vanilla steam from an Ouma rusk dunked in Five Roses tea. How can something be so moorishly crunchy and goopy at the same time? It is the barely-there salt in the air where the Indian Ocean laps at the sky. And yes, it is even the familiar sewage plant every time we try to hold our breath at that bend in the highway by Uvongo.

Your roots will fumble around in this new place of red, white, and blue for a while, figuring out what is friendly soil and what isn’t. And this is the time. Dit is tyd to close your eyes, take a breath, and rediscover the power of your one unshakable tap root. It is your deepest root. The most formative one. The most familiar one. The most stabilizing one. It is your one root that pushes far past all the others, past every good and rocky soil, reaching like life depends on it, to the source of life. Water. Living Water.

It is in Living Water that you’ve always found life and truth and all that is good. When everything around is unfamiliar, this source is the familiar.

You’ll find community in the taproots of familiar people planted there too. And you’ll come to know new people who are automatically family because their taproot seeks life in the same place where yours does. This is the good stuff, my toasted marshmallows.

While your secondary roots stumble around and try to make sense of star-spangled life, sink all your energy, all your questions, all your everything into your taproot’s source of life. It is the one and only thing that will never change no matter where you go, how far you fall, or how unfamiliar everything else seems.

Taprooted to the Source with you,

Mom (Anna Danforth)

~~~~~~~

Inspired by Ruth Van Reken‘s book Letters Never Sent, Letters Now Sent will be a collection of letters from TCKs, parents of TCKs, and system leaders to share personal stories about their experiences with TCKs, being a TCK themself, and/or raising TCKs. This book is a fusion of both memoir and anthology written in a specific “Dear [name]” format.

Here is the Google Form link to submit a letter with additional details about length and content prompts: https://forms.gle/jQyzq3TtFqfyznvCA. The deadline to submit a letter is March 31, 2025, and the book will be launched in July 2025 at Ruth’s 80th birthday celebration. Families in Global Transition is hosting the 80th Birthday party in Chicago on July 26, 2027, and registration will be live on their website soon. You do not have to be a member of FIGT to register for this event.

The Future and Beyond! Preparing TCKs for College

by Kristi Steele

For most high schoolers, the “college” conversation doesn’t really begin until junior year or later. The situation isn’t that straightforward for families living outside their passport country. But matter where you live, there are great ways to prepare and maximize your conversations about the “after high school” options.

This matters deeply to me after growing up overseas as an MK with limited funds and maybe one college visit. My schooling was as varied as the many houses we lived in. I scoured scholarship applications, went to college, graduated, and worked in an international fair-trade business until I was hired as a college recruiter for international students and TCKs. In the almost five years I recruited students, I observed two things:

Students who live outside the US are interested in what is next after high school, but they have limited opportunities to connect with resources, options, and experts. Understanding the collegiate search and admission process is hard no matter where you live, but it’s especially difficult when you live abroad.
Opportunities to hear from universities and connect with them were few and far between.

After several years of students contacting me in the spring of their senior year, only to learn most of the scholarship money had been dispersed by then (and the conversation ending in tears), I stopped recruiting and started my own business (KC360.co). My goal and passion melded into one: helping and resourcing TCKs and international students to meet the needs I had observed. I believed we could improve the process for international families and perhaps mitigate a few of those tears.

But let me first say that college isn’t for everyone, and that is ok. We need everyone to walk the road they are uniquely created for because we want all of you in the places that bring you joy and connection. College is one avenue to those roads, but there are others too. So where you do begin?

For families of freshman and sophomores, the majority of your involvement in any college, gap year, trade school, or apprenticeship conversations should be just that: conversations. If you are near a university that is within your family, community, or support system, sign up for a college visit! It is great for students and families to visit a campus (not just drive through it), visit a class, eat in the cafeteria, and hear from admission professionals.

If you normally live abroad and are back in the US, take some time to give this experience to your student. (Feel free to visit universities abroad as well!) College visits are free and help students “feel” some of the nuances they may not know answers to – things like big campus or little campus, walkable or drivable, urban or smaller town, etc.

When families reach junior and senior year, there are some sizable shifts for students to prepare for college. We have an amazing task as parents to help prepare our students for adulthood by helping them slowly ease into this arena within the safety of our homes. Basic goals such as laundry, cooking a favorite meal or two, understanding a budget (how much money it takes for me to be my best self), are all important. Go a little farther if you can, and help them understand time management and goals.

These years are when conversations about college should turn into a bit of action: reflecting on whether college is for you, the types of majors and careers which may suit you, the financial picture of what it will look like for yourself and your family, and more.

Whether you are homeschooled, public schooled, private schooled, or a mixture of these, college search and admission can feel like a lot when you are overseas. Helping students navigate the process is what I have loved doing for almost a decade, and it is a joy.

Factoring in living abroad adds a new level of “interesting” to the plate. If you fall in this category, you and your student are not alone. Yes, there are complexities, but none which cannot be solved together with expert help. Not sure where to start? Here are some ideas:

Listen in to the free KC360 podcast for college search and admission insights in 15 minutes “bites” (you might hear a familiar voice!).
Unsure what to major in or where to even start in considering a college? Take a look at The College Project, a self-paced course for students to think through their options after high school, size of institutions, majors, careers, and build a college list and complete a college application strategy.
Overwhelmed by the finances of it all? The Scholarship Secrets course will help you understand the US financial aid system, uncover secrets to scholarships, and create a strategy to apply for them.
If access to universities is a frustration for you, join the free Virtual College Fair (September 30 – October 12, 2024) to hear from a variety of universities. Presentations are “on-demand” and can be watched in any time zone. The fair is open for two weeks to accommodate schedules, life, and so much more that enters into this season of our life! Register now here.
Access a free high school timeline for each grade and get helpful tips for your student and family.

My passion is for families to have resources which help them and make the college search and admission process less overwhelming. Being a global citizen has its challenges, and education is one of them. Know that you’re not alone and that there are resources to help you navigate even this road.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

As a TCK, a former college recruiter, and international education consultant, Kristi Steele created KC360 for international students and families just like you. KC360’s goal is to understand your family’s and student’s expectations for your college search and application journey. With a passionate commitment to TCKs and international students and experience in collegiate university recruiting, KC360 will assist and advise you throughout the college application process.

Third Culture Kids, College, and Culture Shock

This year two of my three Third Culture Kids are graduating. Last year, we went on college tours in Minnesota and Wisconsin. We observed some, um, interesting cultural things. Our observations were specific to the Midwest and our perspective comes from 16 years in the Horn of Africa. But, they just might help you with your own college tours and if you’d like some tips on how to get through these trips with joy, check out these posts: Tips for TCKs Going on College Tours and Tips for Parents of TCKs Going on College Tours.

Girls wear sport shorts, tight and short sport shorts, or pajamas (dressed to impress?).

Minnesotans play a lot of hockey and broomball.

If you grow up in a country with no snow or ice, you don’t know what broomball is (it is okay to ask, get used to asking).

TCKs are the only seniors in a room who have to clarify the question, “Where are you from?” (do you mean where was I born? where my passport says I’m from? where I go to school? where I keep most of my belongings? where I stay every few years in the summer? where my parents pay taxes and will get in-state tuition? where I came from just this morning?).

There are a lot of white people in the Midwest, especially in rural areas (notice, my kids are also white, but they barely realize it. What this means is that the color of a person’s skin tells you very little of their actual history and story. Ask questions, listen, be slow to judge).

Parents and students respond with more excitement to the prospect of a Starbucks on campus (as opposed to all the way across the street) than they do to a $15 YEARLY membership at a club that provides bikes, kayaks, paddle boards, sports equipment, and intramural teams to join. Or than they do to pretty much every other thing mentioned on tour. Starbucks is very important.

They also care that much about Chipotle. As in, there were more comments and questions about Starbucks and Chipotle than about tuition or study abroad opportunities.

My kids are the only ones without their driver’s license.

In a room of 100 prospective students, the American coming from Kenya (or Djibouti, depending on how they answered the question “Where are you from?”) stands out.

Dorms are intriguing unless you’ve lived the last five years in a dorm.

TCKs don’t know what they don’t know about American culture and life. College will show them, real fast. Again, ask questions.

TCKs should probably start saying, “soccer” instead of “football.” Sorry.

Americans really, really, really love their pets. Like, really.

American parents tend to hold their kids back in Kindergarten, especially boys, but then they shove them out early through PSEO (post-secondary education) or AP (advanced placement) courses. Ostensibly, this is about opportunity for the kids. A large part of me wonders how much of this is also about boasting opportunities for the parents?

When you are going to college or you have kids going to college, it is like being pregnant. Meaning it is all you talk about. All the time. Every day. All the time. Like, always. All the times. TCKs might get tired of this and might enjoy talking about something else. Like the World Cup. Or international politics or the monkey that swiped their breakfast muffin. In other words, TCKs going to college, like all young adults going to college, are way more than college.

Parents are super nervous about sending their kids an hour away. Their adult kids. I recently heard a mom say that when her daughter didn’t answer the phone for one day, she drove to the campus and searched until she found her daughter and then made her promise to respond immediately to phone calls. Her adult daughter. Who went to school practically down the street. (Parents of TCKs, and myself, be slow to judge. We all need this reminder.)

College campuses are stunning. They are cleaner, more beautiful, and better equipped in terms of restaurants, entertainment, medical facilities, bathrooms, etc, than the country in which we live.

Yes, some people think Kenya is a city near Africa. Even college-bound people. And correct, no one knows what a Djibouti is. Again, sorry. And again, try not to judge. Remember how you didn’t know what broomball was?

Race and gender really are significant topics on college campuses and TCKs, who have grown up in very different racial or gender dynamics, can both offer a unique perspective and will benefit from a parent and also a peer who can help them navigate these topics. Everyone has a lot to learn and that’s a huge part of what college is for.

Enjoy your tours, make the most of them! Take notes on some of the cultural things you notice.

What are some things that helped you and your TCKs explore universities?

Here are a few more resources on college and TCKs:

Janneke Jellema’s essay in Finding Home for advice on transitioning to university as a TCK.

Marilyn Gardner’s book Passages Through Pakistan, especially the last chapter, for help in handling the emotional side of this major transition.

The Global Nomad’s Guide to University, by Tina L. Quick

Should TCKs Take their Parents to College, by Lauren Wells, in A Life Overseas

On Your High School Graduation, by Elizabeth Trotter

Should TCKs Take Their Parents to College?

By Lauren Wells

When you become a parent, you quickly realize that there are a plethora of strong opinions about just about anything regarding the rearing of your children. When you are parenting TCKs, the voices are even louder. TCKs often have unique challenges that make parenting far from straightforward, and this is particularly true when you enter into parenting teenage TCKs and university is on the horizon.

Do you go back with your TCK for the first part (or all) of their college/university years? Perhaps at least the first semester of their freshman year? Or is it time to hang up the overseas missionary hat all together and settle back into your passport country?

Again, strong opinions abound. Some say, “No matter what, make sure you accompany your TCK for their incoming freshman year for at least the first semester or as long as you can spare.”

Others stress the importance of giving your TCK the opportunity to independently “find themselves” without the peering eyes and pressure of their parents. Perhaps allowing them the freedom of not being “on stage” for the first time in their lives.

I’m going to add yet another opinion. One that will split the difference and hopefully allow you, parents, to let out a collective sigh of relief.

There is not one right answer. There are so many factors that go into this decision, and thus there cannot be a “one-size-fits-all answer,” though many well-intended individuals and organizations try to create one. Instead, the parents, together with their TCK, should strategically make the decision with specific factors in mind.

1. How independent and mature is your TCK?

Is your TCK itching to jump out of the nest, or will he or she need a little extra push? I am personally very independent by nature, so when it came time to leave Tanzania for university in the USA, I was ready to leap headfirst. I dove into college life and loved the chance to be independent. Though I did struggle with some stereotypical TCK issues and did have a difficult freshman year, being able to work through those challenges on my own, apart from my parents, was a positive growing experience for me. After feeling like I had been living in a fish bowl for many years, as many missionary kids do, it was healthy for me to live outside of the gazing eyes of supporters, churches, and organizations.

However, my parents knew that my brother would not have the same experience that I did, and would benefit greatly from having a bit more parental support as he navigated his first year of college. They chose to move to the US for his freshman year, and he was able to live with them and commute to school. This gave them the ability to teach him how to drive, set up and wisely use a bank account, apply for jobs, etc. Having my parents as a “home-base” for him significantly contributed to his success that year and the years after.

God has uniquely wired your TCKs and thus, your decision may (and dare I say, should) change based on the individual TCK. You may have one child that needs autonomy and independence and another that needs more direct support. It is crucial that you make your decision based on the specific child instead of having a blanket policy that applies to them all.

2. Is there a good option for a “home-base”?

If you choose not to follow your TCK to university, it is important that they have a safe “home-base” nearby. This can be a relative’s house, a family friend, even a supporting church. If you are still living overseas while your TCK is in college, it is imperative that they have a getaway nearby and people who will reach out to them. University can be stressful, especially when working through common TCK challenges, and it is important that your TCKs have a place that feels “homey” to escape to for the weekend, someone with whom they can process the challenges they are dealing with, and someone whom they can call if they need last-minute help moving out of their dorm.

Communication with the “home-base” is also a critical factor. I know parents who assumed that a family member or friend would be more attentive to the TCK during their college years, but when college began they hardly ever reached out. It is important that you have multiple conversations with the family member, friend, or church to talk about your expectations of the “home-base” role. If they feel they are unable to be that support system for your TCK, you may need to consider reaching out to someone else, looking at a different school if location is the issue, or returning with your TCK to be that home-base for them.

3. Be Actively Involved

Whether or not you choose to return with your TCK for university, ensure that you are still actively involved in their experience. There are wonderful online resources that you can take advantage of to keep in touch if you choose not to accompany your TCK to college. You can video chat frequently, ask about friends and events, send care packages, ask for a virtual tour of their newly rearranged dorm, “meet” their friends via the internet, etc. Thanks to today’s technology, you can still be actively involved in your college-student’s life while living on the other side of the world. If you do choose to return with your TCK for some or all of their college years, attempt to find a good balance of being involved while also giving your TCK the space explore their independence.

4. Acknowledge the Challenges

Whether or not you live near your children during their college years, you can expect that they will struggle with new challenges unique to their TCK upbringing. Though you may not have seen many of the typical “TCK issues” in your children up to this point, that does not mean that they will not surface during the college years. In fact, the college years are the most common stage of life for many TCK challenges to arise. Expect that this will be the case for your TCK, acknowledge it especially if they subtly express their struggles to you, and help them to find the support and help that they need.

I highly recommend that TCKs seek counseling during their college years so that they can actively process the transitions and corresponding challenges that they may be facing. A counselor with experience working with the TCK population is ideal, but if that is not possible, meeting with any professional counselor can still be beneficial. Many colleges offer these services free of charge, so gently encourage your TCK to take advantage of them.

Unfortunately, I have heard far too many stories from TCKs who told their parents that they weren’t doing well and needed help, only to be brushed off by the parent saying “The first year of college is hard for everyone. Just hang in there!” Whether we like to admit it or not, growing up overseas does create many unique challenges for TCKs as they grow into adults and it is absolutely critical that these issues are taken seriously, addressed, and are not shrugged off as a typical college-student experience.

5. Consider a “Gap Year”

Many expatriate families choose to allow for a “gap year” between high school graduation and the start of college or university. This year can be used in a variety of ways and can be a great solution to the question at hand. If you are not planning to leave the mission field, your TCK may benefit from using the gap year to work or volunteer in your host country. This allows time and space to learn independence while still remaining on the same continent, and may leave them more prepared to attend university alone the following year.

The gap year can also be used as a family’s furlough year. This time in the passport country can be used to teach your TCK practical life skills like how to drive and how to navigate the post office, as well as allowing your TCK time to acclimate to the passport culture before beginning school. This can also be a good time to decide upon and establish a “home-base,” and then universities can be visited and applied to within a drivable radius of that location. By spending time in your passport country, your TCK will become more familiar with the culture and physical area and thus, more comfortable remaining behind when you return to your host country.

I have seen the “gap year” used for travel for either the whole family or the TCK alone, a combination of time in the host country and in the passport country, a year of working or volunteering, an official gap year program such as this one, and a variety of other great options. The gap year can be a great compromise for families who are unsure, or have conflicting opinions, about whether or not to return with their TCKs for college.

While it may be difficult, it is important to drown out the multitude of opinions as you deliberate this complex decision as a family. Again, there are many options that resounding voices say you “should” choose. These voices may come from relatives back home, your sending organization, even experienced older missionaries who have successfully navigated the college-years with their TCKs.

While advice can be helpful when weighing your options, remember that every TCK is different and what worked for someone else’s child may not work for yours. I am so grateful that no one persuaded my parents to return home while I was in university, because that would not have been a positive experience for me. However, I also never tell parents to follow the same path with their TCKs, because what was best for me may not be best for another TCK. Again, it goes back to knowing your TCK and deciding based on his or her unique needs and personality.

So, should TCKs take their parents to college with them? The answer: it depends. Consider your TCK’s unique personality, maturity level, unique needs, and whether or not there is good “home-base” option. Most importantly, remember that there is not a “right” way to do it and that there are a number of good options that may work for your family and your beautifully unique TCK.

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Lauren Wells is a Third Culture Kid (TCK) and Missionary Kid (MK) who grew up in Tanzania, East Africa where she developed an affinity for mandazis (African doughnuts) and Chai tea. Her experience as a TCK fuels her passion for working with globally mobile families. Lauren is the Children’s Program Director for Worldview Institute for International Christian Communication in Portland, Oregon. In her role at WorldView, she developed and now runs a program for children that equips them with the skills they need to learn new languages and embrace new cultures when they move overseas with their family. She blogs regularly at tcktraining.com.

Cumin Lamb and Cigarettes: A College Bound TCK Looks Back as He Looks Forward

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Just three weeks before we moved to China we celebrated with some of our very best friends. Their son was turning 7 (that’s him totally owning the noodles). We partied like we were shipping out tomorrow (even though we still had several days left and we were taking a plane).

The ironic twist to that story is just four weeks before we moved to China we had never met any of them. That’s how instant our connection was. They were Lifers from the get-go and while I could write volumes about the adventures our two families have had since then I’m actually going to let the 7 year old write this one.

He’s headed to college next year.

In response to an essay question on The Common Application he beautifully exposed the heart of a TCK, with the poignancy of his mother (who is an artist with words) and the clarity of his father (whose passion, expertise and life’s work it is to help ministries and missionaries tell their stories).

Here’s a glimpse into a brilliant young mind, shaped significantly (in his formative years) by life abroad.

The Question: Some students have a background, identity, interest or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Zach’s Response:

My childhood was three years long and a few city blocks wide.

The first seven years of my life remain in my memory as a misty blur of brick townhouses and on-brand cereal, highlighted by space themed 4th birthday donuts, and hours of self-driven multiplication tables with my dad.

My clearest memories began when my parents announced that we were moving. Twelve assorted suitcases and plastic bins later, we arrived in Tianjin, China with a week of jet lag and no language skills whatsoever. It was here, among 15 million other souls, that I found my childhood home.

Our 1000 square foot flat perched at the top of a six-story apartment building, where we lived alongside a jumble of first year expats like ourselves and 100th generation natives. Behind our building, a patch of green peeked out of the ubiquitous smog-gray, a miniature Central Park nestled in an oversized New York. This haven, affectionately called “The Garden” was a motley collection of tree-like shrubs that had gotten lost on the way to Mongolia, and hesitantly blossomed each year for a month or so before succumbing to some combination of acid rain, dust, and icy slush.

Beyond the rusting gates of our complex, which were emblazoned with the fading characters “Fù Kāng huāyuán (Fu Kang Gardens)”, were streets crowded with vendors, pedestrians, grocery laden bicycles, and lawless taxi cabs. Cigarettes sprouted like tiny smokestacks from the mouths of men playing chess at street corners, and plastic bags rolled by like urban tumbleweeds. When Chinese New Year rolled around, the newly comforting sights and smells transformed into a thunderstorm of fire crackers, which rang out from every alley and market for two weeks, driving us (along with a host of evil spirits) back into the familiar shelter of our home. We were strangers in a strange land, an ocean away from the suburban cul de sac that we had left behind.

Needless to say, Noah (my younger brother and best friend) and I spent countless hours inside our shared room, on a floor strewn with two generations of Legos, free from the bounds of reason. Our stuffed animals waged war: with weapons ranging from clusters of magnets dropped from Noah’s top bunk to legitimately dangerous Lego cannons. While our CEO-destined, Korean classmates left our international school for an evening of tutoring to learn the ways of the real world, we got lost in our own worlds.

Most of what I remember from my three years in Tianjin is composed of oddly specific memories supported by a terabyte of photos. My family holds onto these memories like relics, because of how defining they were for each of us individually and as a family. The term for people like me and my siblings is TCK (third culture kid). Our home culture is neither American nor Chinese, but a hypostasis of the two. I am not Chinese-American (my sister is), but Chinese and American. Even as the last remnants of my meager Chinese vocabulary fade, leaving behind only the lyrics to “Happy Birthday”, my childhood in Fu Kang Gardens will continue to define who I am.

I am Zach Kennedy (Zhā kǎ lǐ), and my most heart wrenching nostalgia comes from the the taste of cumin seasoned lamb and the smell of cigarette smoke.

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That’s Zach (second from the left) without noodles looking all collegiate. Noah the Magnet Bomber on the left, Hannah (the Chinese-American) out front and Mia on the right. Dan and Sara now live, with these four amazing TCK’s, in Richmond, Virginia (USA) where they practice getting more photogenic every day.

If this post strikes a chord send Zach a note in the comments below and wish him well on what comes next.