Have You Read?

As the author of Looming Transitions: Starting and Finishing Well in Cross-Cultural ServiceI can tell when people have a Looming Transition by looking at my Amazon sales page. This makes me happy. Not for the reasons you might think. True, every time a book sells, I earn a few dollars. But ain’t nobody writing books for missionaries becoming rich through our efforts.

That is not why we write. We write because we love you. We see a need and we want to help.

This is why I wrote Looming Transitions: transition are hard and I saw far too many missionaries create unnecessary additional heartache in the ways they approached a transition.

In her research, Brene Brown discovered you cannot numb the painful emotions—like loss, sadness, disappointment, betrayal, or hurt—without also numbing the positive emotions of enjoyment, happiness, contentment, healthy pride, and love. I saw too many people unsure how to navigate a transition, and asked myself, “Is is possible to keep your soul fertile and your sanity intact during a transition?”

The answer is yes. So, I wrote Looming Transitions for you. I am happy when it sells, because I get excited thinking of the individuals, couples or families who will be equipped more when they read it. Once this need was tapped into I was asked to please help families, make a workbook, and turn it into an audiobook (on audible or for $10 with the workbook).

Today I want to share the works and words of fellow authors who have seen needs and put up their own sweat equity to help you. Resources might be tight for you, but when you buy one of these books you help yourself by gaining the nuggets they contain AND you support an author who is helping missionaries.

A Story of Pregnancy and Faith: In hope of what we cannot see  by Dorette Skinner—Dorrette is the mom of two little ones, both conceived and delivered while living abroad. This memoir is a good read for anyone living abroad, but a must-read for those who are pregnant or have infants abroad.

As Soon As I Fell by Kay Bruner—The Amazon description says, “For anyone who’s ever asked, ‘When will I be good enough for love?’ This book resoundingly answers: ‘Right now. You are loved, right this minute, in this mess.’ While few of us will live on a tiny island in the South Pacific, many of us will find hope and healing in this story of a painful fall into the arms of love.” Read this memoir right now. It is written by our very own, Ask A Counselor author.

Expectations and Burnout: Women Serving the Great Commission by Sue Eenigenburg and Robynn Bliss—Though geared towards women, I would say 90% of this info is directly applicable to men. Sue and Robynn explore six areas research showed missionaries had high expectations: of themselves, their mission agencies, host cultures, churches, co-workers, and of God. 

Love, Amy: An Accidental Memoir Told in Newsletters From China by Amy Young—I wrote this memoir because (understandably) many of the resources written are for the challenging parts of living abroad. But the truth of my experience was that most of the time, was ordinary highs and lows. I wanted to help people love communicating with supporters while honoring the ordinariness of many of our lives.

Between Worlds: Essays on Culture and Belonging by Marilyn Gardner—first of all, Marilyn’s writing will already be familiar to the ALO family! She generously shares her insights, leadership, and wisdom here at ALO. I loved this line from the Amazon description of this book “These essays explore the rootlessness and grief as well as the unexpected moments of humor and joy that are a part of living between two worlds. Between Worlds charts a journey between the cultures of East and West, the comfort of being surrounded by loved ones and familiar places, and the loneliness of not belonging.” You will find a friend who get is as you read these pages.

Worlds Apart: A Third Culture Kid’s Journey by Marilyn Gardner—This is the revised version of Passages Through Pakistan: An American Girl’s Journey of Faith. I think you are beginning to notice that many of the books we have penned are memoirs borne out of our own experience. Marilyn is a championing voice to help us remember and honor the experience of TCKs, both when they are children and as adults. But she’s not a scolder, no, not at all. She’s a story-teller.

Misunderstood: The impact of growing up overseas in the 21st century by Tanya Crossman—I will be honest that I hadn’t heard of Tanya before I got an update from Elizabeth Trotter as one of the regular contributors. Tanya is going to become a regular contributor here at ALO. I’ve added Misunderstood to my reading list. Let’s welcome her here by buying her book because it “will equip you with insights into the international experience, along with practical suggestions for how to offer meaningful care and support.”

Returning Well: Your Guide to Thriving Back “Home” After Serving Cross-Culturally by Melissa Chaplin—Melissa has not only written Returning Well, she also offers affordable coaching to those transitioning off the field. “By using Returning Well, you will discover how this season influenced you, how to re-integrate well, and what moving forward in faith means for you.”

Home, James by Emily Steele Jackson—This is a Young Adult novel that follows 8th grader James through his first year in American public schools. What I loved? Don’t transitions make us all feel like junior highers if we are honest? I saw myself in James, especially when it comes to the “rules” for making friends in America.

We are blessed to live in an era when so many writers are able to see a need and fill it.

What books would you add to the list?

Leaving (and Arriving) Well — what to do when your time comes

You’re probably going to leave the field.

Someday, somehow, the vast majority of us will say goodbye, pack up, cry tears of joy or sorrow or both, and depart.

How will that work out for you?

Well, frankly, I have no idea. But I do know that there are some things you can do to prepare to leave and some things you can do to prepare to arrive. And while a cross-cultural move is stressful no matter which direction you’re going, knowing some of what to expect and how to prepare really can help.

The first part of this article deals with Leaving Well, while the second part deals with the oft-overlooked importance of Arriving Well.

In Arriving Well, we’ll look at

– Embracing your inner tourist,

– Making movie magic,

– Identifying your needs, and of course,

– Grieving

We’ll wrap up with an Arrival Benediction, which is a prayer for you, the transitioner, from the bottom of my heart.

 

Preparing to Leave Well – How do I debrief all of this?
Maybe it was nine months or maybe it was 19 years. In any case, debriefing is your friend.

For starters, find someone to talk with. A safe person who will value your thoughts and feelings about the whole range of your experience. They don’t have to understand missions or life on the field; they just have to be willing to listen, empathize, and listen. (And yes, I said that on purpose.)

Try making two lists: one of what you’ve gained and one of what you’ve lost. And remember, this isn’t algebra; you’re not trying to balance an equation, and the sides don’t have to balance each other out. In fact, they won’t.

Some folks more easily list what they’ve gained. If that’s you, it’s important for you to wrestle with identifying and grappling with losses.

For some, the losses are the prime (or only) thing. If that’s you, it’s important to wrestle with the truth that there is some good in all of it, even if the only good is God.

There is tremendous power in making room for the paradoxical truths that there was good and there was bad and there IS God.

 

Preparing to Leave Well – Am I a Failure?
Maybe some things failed. Maybe things really did hit the fan. But there is a world of difference between stepping back and saying, “Wow, that thing failed,” or even, “I failed to accomplish that goal,” and “I AM A FAILURE!”  If you find yourself lurching towards the “I am a failure” side of things, heads up, ‘cause that’ll destroy you.

You’ll need to deal with that sense of being a failure; if you don’t put that to rest right here and now, it will rise from the dead like Taylor, all the time.

It will blind you to whatever God is calling you to next. Please don’t let it.

Further reading: To the ones who think they’ve failed

 

Preparing to Leave Well – What should I read?
Well, for starters, here are two articles from A Life Overseas writers…

Leaving Happy or Leaving Well? (by Jerry Jones)

“Everyone wants to leave happy but not everyone wants to leave well.  In fact, some people are so committed to leaving happy that they absolutely refuse to leave well.”

Transition – Building a RAFT (by Marilyn Gardner)

This one is my go-to when I’m meeting with a client who’s preparing to transition. Do yourself a favor and read Marilyn’s thoughts about building a RAFT.

 

If you’re willing to invest in a book or two, these are highly recommended…

Returning Well: your guide to thriving back “home” after serving cross-culturally

Perry Bradford, President of Barnabas International, says this about Returning Well: “Thousands transition back to their home cultures each year without any formal debrief to assist them. Returning Well will guide the reader into an in‐depth look at their transition and lead them to discover how to manage the re‐entry process with spiritual and emotional health.”

Looming Transitions: starting and finishing well in cross-cultural service

This one’s from A Life Overseas writer Amy Young, and it’s excellent. Also check out the companion book, Twenty-Two Activities for Families in Transition

 

Preparing to Arrive Well – Embrace your inner tourist
Many of us want to hit the ground running. We’ve got a bazillion things to do and people to see and contracts and license renewals and logistics and ieoafioefoaeifnaeoifneoiafjeio…

But you know, much less has to be done immediately than you think. Really.

Instead, what I’d like for you to do, for a time, is just pretend to be a tourist. Let jet lag have its day, and then be a tourist. Maybe forgo the tourist pants and camera straps, but if you want to go all in, go for it.

A tourist is one who “is travelling or visiting a place for pleasure.”

Let yourself enjoy your new place, even if it’s your old place; it is your new place now. Go to the parks and museums and restaurants. Go where tourists go, and go with tourist eyes. The place has changed, and so has your vision.

Enjoy the place. Enjoy the people. Give your soul time to breathe.

I always ask clients to list out the stuff that absolutely HAS to be done in the first two weeks. Ask yourself, “Will I die if this doesn’t happen RIGHT AWAY?”

Remember, God’s where you’re at. You didn’t leave him on the field. The Creator’s not stranded in customs. Ask him to show himself in this new-to-you part of his creation, and then give yourself time and space to hear his reply.

 

Preparing to Arrive Well – Make movie magic
Some people will care about your stories. Some won’t. Some will act like they care and then their eyes will glaze over like a warm Krispy Kreme donut.

Which is where the movie magic comes in.

I want you to create a movie poster. Come up with a few sentence snapshot of your experience (whether it was 6 months or 6 years). I want you to have something that’s quick and that you can say without having to use a lot of computing power.

This “movie poster” is for the well-meaning folks who pass you in the church lobby and say, “How was your trip?” I want you to have something to say to them besides, “YOU MEAN MY LIFE?!! YOU MEAN HOW WAS THE LAST DECADE OF MY LIFE?!!!”

For those folks, give them the movie poster. Maybe it’ll intrigue them and maybe at some point they’ll want to hear more of the story. But if they don’t, whatever.

Then, I want you to create a movie trailer. Create a two or three minute synopsis of some of the important points. Tell some of the story, but don’t reveal it all. Keep in mind that a movie trailer isn’t designed to tell the whole story, but to help people decide whether or not they want to invest in the full-length feature film.

Some will watch the trailer, they’ll hear your three-minute story, and be satisfied. They’ll say, “Wow, that looks cool. I’m never going to see that.” And of course, some will say, “Hmm, that actually looks really interesting. When is it showing?”

And then create the feature film. The movie.

This is your story, shared with the folks who really want to hear it. These are your people.

Not everyone will want to see your movie. And that’s ok.

Not everyone will like your movie. That’s ok too.

You weren’t making it for them anyways.

 

Preparing to Arrive Well – Grieve again (and again and again)
Grieving big losses is measured more in years than months. So when you’ve been back for 5 weeks and hit a speed bump, please don’t be mad at yourself and don’t you dare think, “I should be over this by now!” Um, just no. Even if you move back to the same town where you grew up, you’ve changed and the town’s changed and this isn’t Kansas anymore.

Big losses take more like two years to grieve, not two months.

Further reading: How do we process loss and grief?

 

Preparing to Arrive Well – Identify your needs
This was originally written about cross-cultural living, but it applies here too:

We’ve got to start asking our cross-culturally-working-selves, “In an ideal world, what is it that I really need to make it? To thrive? To be ok? To survive where God’s called me? What is it that I really need?”

Can I mitigate it, or do I need to sacrifice it? These concepts continue to ring off the walls of my counseling room, and I think transitioners need them too.

Read more here: The One Question We Must Ask

 

An Arrival Benediction
Here’s my prayer for you, a prayer for the middle spaces:

May you arrive more whole than when you departed, though the intervening time may have been splintering and hard.

May you arrive with more hope than when you left, though you’ve been in hopeless situations more often than you thought possible.

Perhaps you’ll arrive empty, but may those you’ve left behind (there and here), fill you with the love of the Father, aged and distilled through time and perhaps darkness.

May you arrive with peace, knowing in your gut that he is Good, that he is Faithful, and that he isn’t finished with you (or with them).

May you find rest, safe in the arms of love, behind the Captain of the Lord of Hosts, your Healer.

And may you hear him ask you the same question he asked a confused and lonely and traveling Hagar, “Where have you come from?” and “Where are you going?” At the end of the day, may you proclaim along with Hagar, “You are the God who sees me.”

And after your arrival,
May you keep your eyes fixed on the horizon,
Awaiting the day of all days,
When the sky will split,
The darkness flee, and
He will, finally and irrevocably,
Arrive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let Us Pray (for each other)

I have ideas for posts, but repeatedly I sensed from the Holy Spirit: Amy right now, today, A Life Overseas create a space to pray together. Information and thoughts will hold for another month. Just pray for each other. 

*****

How abundant are the good things
that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
on those who take refuge in you. (Psalm 31:19)

Maybe you are needing a dose of God’s good things. Maybe you are needing God as your refuge now in ways that you haven’t before. Maybe you are luxuriating in the abundance of good things right now.

How can we pray for you or praise with you in light of this verse?

*****

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love.
Whoever lives in love lives in God,
and God in them. (1 John 4:16)

Maybe you have been flooded with God’s love for you recently. Maybe you know in your head God loves you, but it’s hard for your heart to rely on God’s love. Maybe you need prayer to “live in love” with teammates or local friends.

How can we pray for you or praise with you in light of this verse?

*****

Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun. (Psalm 37:5-6)

Do you feel you commit to the Lord, but He doesn’t commit to you? Have you felt rewarded? Any areas you need holy vindication? This verse holds tremendous truth wrapped in God’s mysterious ways. 

How can we pray for you or praise with you in light of this verse?

*****

Though he slay me,
yet will I trust in him:
but I will maintain mine own ways before him. (Job 13:15 )

Are you found with Job, feeling like you are slayed yet holding on to trusting in God? Sometimes we are called to embrace our thorns. Are you being slayed? Maybe a better question is “how are you being slayed” now?

How can we pray for you or praise with you in light of this verse?

*****

In the comments share requests and areas we can rejoice with you — also know you are invited to share as much or as little as you’d like. Please come back as more prayers are added and pray for each other by either commenting “I prayed” or writing out a prayer. All forms are welcome! No pressure to pray like others, this isn’t about how we pray or words we use. It’s about praying for each other.

*****

P.S. Can you believe that Looming Transitions: Starting and Finishing Well in Cross-Cultural Service came out a year ago this week? In honor of the one year anniversary it is now available in audiobook and on sale until Friday for $5 (includes the workbook this week). You can read the back story here

A Resource for Missionaries in Transition {and a give away!}

 looming-transitions_coverLooming Transitions: starting and finishing well in cross-cultural service, a book I wrote with you in mind, was launched this week. I love to hear the back-stories on books or movies, so thought I’d share with you how this book came to be. In 2007 I transitioned back to China after a three year study leave. About eight months into my transition being (mostly) over and life up and running in China, I was feeling (mostly) settled. My organization asked to lead a workshop on how to finish well, geared toward people who would be returning to the U.S. after having lived and taught in Asia. I jumped at the chance; fresh off my own Band-Aid ripping off experience, I figured I had help to share.

All I needed to do was conduct a little bit of internet research, read some articles, throw in a few personal stories, and voilà one basically ready-made presentation. My plan went off without a hitch until I did my first internet search. Almost everything about “ending chapters” in life was related to retiring. Retiring is certainly a major area for looming transitions and finishing well. But what about all of the transitions that we go through when an end is coming, yet life will still go on after the transition?

The first year I presented the workshop, I pulled together a few thoughts and told myself the problem was my late start in the search. Information was out there and I would find it. During the next year, I found little help for the workshop. I went back to the list of ideas I had created the first year, added more meat to them and the idea of a book began to grow.

This book is for those who will be going through a major life transition, either moving to the field or preparing to return to your “home” country. It covers all of the potential moves you might make: to the field, back to your home country for a Home Assignment or furlough, or if you sense for now your time on the field is coming to a close. Chance are you’ve been around someone who left the field without finishing as well as they could, either because they shut down too early or started too late.

Allowing parts of yourself to die in order to create space for new life and seasons is not for the faint of heart. But it can be done. The burning question this book answers is how can you keep your soul fertile and sanity intact during transitions?

There are no simple platitudes offered in Looming Transition. You won’t find “three easy steps to anything.” However, you will find suggestions for your soul, your stuff, and your sanity.

This book is intended for the 4-6 months before you move and benefits of Looming Transitions include:

  • 11 ways to stay connected to God through transition
  • 7 areas of your personal life that can experience revival in the midst of upheaval
  • 5 places to look for messes in your life (and ways to keep the mess in check)
  • 4 key aspects to know about yourself and loved ones going into a transition (one example is How to know if you are pre- or post-griever (and why it matters))
  • 5 significant arenas to start early
  • It’s not all about you: 3 important steps that allow others to end this season of your life well
  • Insight on how to grieve a transition that is slow in coming
  • How to identify and manage stress leading up to a transition

Looming Transitions is available on Amazon—both in paperback and kindle. In addition, I’ve created graphics you can use for blogs, newsletters, and social media as a small way to help those of you in transitions! If you could help spread the word to mission committees, organizations and people you know who will be transitioning to or from the field, you can be a part of helping more to start and finish well in cross-cultural service. This book can also be offered at a discount for purchases of 10 copies or more (messymiddle (at) gmail (dot) com).

Because I know many of you are in need of this book now, I’d love to offer three copies to readers of A Life Overseas. Leave a comment about the type of transition you’re in or who you’d give this book to and three winners will be drawn and notified on Monday.

With blessing, Amy

*** The giveaway is now over and the winners have been notified. I am blessed and humbled by this community! To slow me down and keep me grounded in your needs, for the drawing I wrote each of your names on a piece of paper and prayed for you. The outpouring of comments has reminded me of how very much we need each other, we need A Life Overseas, and we need resources. Very blessed to be a part of all that’s going on here as we know the truth that life is hard, God is good, and God is sovereign and do our best to understand and hold all three in tension.