In the shadows of your wings I take refuge,
till the storms of destruction pass by.
Psalm 57:1
There exists a temptation for those of us working overseas, in various ministry or non-profit sectors. Perhaps you, like me, fall into holding a little too tightly (and falsely) to this line of thinking:
I should be exempt.
It’s not surprising, when we recognize that many of us have sacrificed quite a lot to do what we do, and have accordingly experienced unusual amounts of hardship and stress.
So when a routine test comes back labeled “abnormal,” and I am told to “slightly urgently” proceed to another doctor for follow-up tests, my reaction to God, rather ashamedly, was I should be exempt! Isn’t there some special protection given to those who have given so much already?
Apparently not. While my mind knows better and my theological training rebukes me, my heart resists yet another opportunity to lean fully into Jesus in trust. What is it that leads to this line of thinking? Here are some fallacies that I have been addressing in my own heart and mind:
Suffering is something I must avoid. While suffering is a result of the fall, in Christ we find our firm foundation in the sovereignty of God (see Job 1). While suffering may be excruciatingly uncomfortable and full of sorrow, it is not outside the goodness of God somehow, and he has every intention of using it for our good and his glory, if we choose to let him. This suffering, this particular hardship is another opportunity to lean deeply into trust and realign my heart with Christ’s faithfulness.
I have already given enough. Why do we even think this way? My life is not my own (see Jer. 10:23); since trusting Christ, I have turned my allegiance, having received his grace and given my life for his glory rather than my own. There is no maximum requirement of faithfulness, but rather the daily offering of my life back to Christ. Serving in ministry, in mission, in non-profit, or in any other field does not earn us special props, privileges, or exemptions. It is a joy and gift to be able to serve Christ in these specific ways, not a status gain.
I am stronger because of all of the stress and anxiety I have already experienced. This may be quite contrary to popular psychology, but in my experience as a child of God, suffering regularly reveals to me just how weak and feeble I truly am. Stress has a way of graciously reminding me how desperately in need of him I am. I can honestly affirm with Paul that God’s grace is sufficient for me, and that his strength is made perfect in my weaknesses. If my suffering reveals more of own weakness in order to promote God’s grace and strength, then by all means, may I be willing to receive what he has for me.
It has been a few months since those health struggles, and in the end, all was well. I have been tempted to look back at how I handled (or did not handle) that trial, and equally tempted to despair that I was not more filled with faith, and trust, and bravery.
But as I look at this list of lies that God has been graciously weeding out of my heart, I see that his hand has been in it all, the whole time. His grace enabled me to acknowledge my fears of more suffering, to admit my desperate dependency on him anew, and to walk forward in more compassion and honesty.
Gratefully, we are not exempt from any of his faithfulness and goodness in our lives.
O God, you have been the refuge of your people through many generations; be my refuge in every moment and every need that I face today. Be my guide through all uncertainty and darkness. Be my guard against all that threatens my spiritual well-being. Be my strength in times of testing. Cheer my heart with your peace; through Jesus Christ my Lord. Amen.
John Baille
